Lua Nova, 27 de Setembro de 2011
Here I was hiding behind a tree, as childish as it can get.
When I got the news I couldn't believe it: it just wasn't possible... I refused any kind of human contact and locked myself at home. I refused to come here today, I told myself thousands of times and repeated it a few more, just in case. However it made no difference or what so ever. Before I even realized it, I was getting dressed and walking out of the apartment.
I checked my wallet, looking for a specific item, probably hid in there for God-knows-how-long! It was still there. I shoved the wallet in my pocket again as I started walking there. By this time, it had already started and if I was lucky, it was over before I reached the place.
But I wasn't lucky. If I was, this wouldn't have happened to me but to someone else. I know it's selfish but right now I can't find the will in me to care about it.
That's how I got to this point: hidden... Behind a tree. Seriously, how ridiculous am I?
Some people already noticed me. Her family, to be exact. Their faces flushed and wet from crying. I want to cry too, but that would draw attention to someone hiding behind a tree instead of join the rest of them and that's not something I want. It's her ceremony; it's her moment to be noticed. Though I know that she would never want to be in the spotlight if there was any other way... Even so people noticed her.
Her sister is completely heartbroken and as she looks in my direction her crying and sobbing intensifies and she looks away and hides her face. Her parents' stare is only focused in what is in front of them: they should be proud of their daughter. There are a lot of people around them: some I know, others I recognize and the rest are completely unfamiliar faces to me... But she knew them. I never imagined that she would have this many people who liked and cared about her.
In one of our conversations I remember she said that no one really knew her, but I was probably one of the few who knew her the best. I laughed that time, because I didn't understand how she could say that when there were people whom she talked more and knew her for more years than I did. Still she assured me that I knew her better than them. She laughed and said nothing more.
Today as I see these people talking I understand it. They try to talk about her but there are many gaps in her personality that they don't realize. But I do. I really knew her better than the great majority of the people here.
A few more minutes and they'll be gone. Sad or not they still have to go on. That's when I'll come out from my hiding place...
The crowd starts to vanish and pay their homage. I wait a bit longer, afraid of what I'm about to see. I approach the new tomb in here and read your name, the touching words engraved and the time line where you lived. I guess this makes it official: you're really gone! This makes my chest hurts like someone was crushing it. Lonely tears start rolling down my face and my throat is suddenly unable to create any sound. You know, since you died I can't sleep without dreaming of you. And as a result of that I wake up in tears... Just your memory isn't enough for me. I need you! And I haven't realized that until now... I had taken you for granted, that you'd always be there no matter what, just like you had until there. But now... Now it's like a part of me died along with you.
I didn't even want to come, in order to ignore this stupid reality and not accepting this. But I couldn't stop thinking about it either and came to the conclusion that you'd be certainly pissed off and disappointed at me if I didn't come... And that I couldn't live with: I'd end up regretting it.
I reached once again for my wallet and took those four snapshots we took on our trip, after you drag me into a photo boot. Each of us had a copy so we could always remember one another. After you're gone your family sent me a few things assuming that being one of her best friends. Most of it were gifts we exchanged along the years and pictures of us together. When I saw your copy of these snapshots I was confused: the last one was missing... My personal favorite, mind you. I continued to take a trip along that memory lane which were your things. When I got to the music box I had offered in one of your birthdays I remembered you told me that it was the best birthday present you had ever got and that you listened to it every night... That's why I was surprised, in a good way of course, that inside of it was the last snapshot. The last thing you saw at night and the first thing when you woke up was our photograph. The first three of the set were us joking around but in this last I had pulled you into a kiss and that moment had been recorded forever.
I decided to stay with your set, but I still want you to have something as a remembrance... So I decided to give you mine. I know you'd be embarrassed if this was shown so I'll tape it to the space between the two stones. Where people can't see it. But we both know it'll be there.
And now, that it's all done... The only thing I feel is this need to cry my eyes out and I can't stop it anymore.
