TOO LATE - 2/2

Both my parents died and left me alone with my younger brother. I understood that my life had to change. I didn't want that some stupid organization came and separated us: he was my only family and I was his. I postponed my dream for a while... Just until it all got into track. Then I'd keep on dreaming!

After a year my brother got sick... Really sick. He was diagnosed a death sentence. I understood that was time to convince myself that my dreams were stupid and I dropped school. He was more important.
I started working. Then my brother got worse and I had to get him in the hospital. The doctors didn't allow him to leave. I got multiple jobs to sustain my brother's medical cares. I only visited him in the hospital, told him stories that I invented (he loved them), slept there for 4 hours or less (we didn't have a house anymore) and then leave for work again. There was no such things as dreams... Maybe I should've been just content the way my life was.

One day he died. I was there and I couldn't do a thing to help him. The doctors said it wasn't a painful death. How would they know? They weren't the ones who died! I didn't go to work that day (or the next one) I spent the rest of the day holding him and telling him stories.

Of course he didn't hear me. He was so cold by now and all I could was cry over him. I probably looked like a fool... But I didn't want to let go of lasted of my family! Of me!

When I was forced to leave I didn't fight back. I had no strength. All I wanted was to die. I was constantly thinking of ways of killing myself without destroying other unpreoccupied human beings passing by, content with their lives.

Then I saw a little boy (probably with the same age as my kid brother) he was boring his sister to death (who was so busy texting and chatting with other friends) with his whines but she kept declining her brother's pleads to play with him.
She doesn't know how lucky she is! I'd give everything to trade places with her and have my brother alive.
She keeps ignoring him until she has enough and sends him away... The poor boy backs down with shocked eyes and turns away running without seeing where he was heading. But I was. He was running to the middle of the traffic! And without thinking twice I was on his heels. His sister didn't notice the truck heading to him! Didn't notice her brother standing on the road unable to move a muscle in fear! She was the one who diserved the pain of losing a brother!

It hurt everywhere. I felt like I was being stabbed by hundreds... No, thousands of sharp blades through my body and my chest was on fire! I had taken the place of that kid on the road and pushed him away of the other vehicles and got hit by the truck. His sister finally noticed what was happening and looked at me with a mix of terror, disbelief, disgust and relief. When the crowd blocked my view I gave thanks for helping her understand that there are more important things than the futile conversations she was having. Shouting to her brother could have been the last thing she did with him...

I saw red all over. I was sure that most of my bones were broken and my lungs were, probably, crushed because blood was gushing out of my mouth like I was a stupid fountain! That and the pain. It was excruciating!
However, my mind was somewhere else... Somewhere far away of this sad reality I was younger and surrounded by my childhood friends. We were all claiming our place in the future. "What will you be?" one of them asked me. "Me?" I stood there a bit embarrassed with all the attention on me... "I'm gonna write all the stories that I imagine so that people can dream like I do! I'm gonna be the world's best writer and win at least ten Nobel prizes!" I said with a cheeky grin plastered on my face.
But the only person who ever listened to them was my brother... At least he dreamt until the very end, always planning how our life would be once he got better.

Why is that life is never easy for those who dream?

I took my last breath.
Now? Now is too late...

"... and then you die."

TOO LATE - 1/2

Lua Nova, 8 de Setembro de 2010

"Life sucks...

I never knew much more than my hometown... Same house, same friends, same old routine. I wanted to get out of here, no matter where... I just wanted to leave!
I mean... It's not that I didn't aprecciate what I had: it was enough. More than enough: it was a great life.

However, it was different than what I expected it to be as years went by. I expected that my friends were like me. We used to dream about became famous and leave our mark in world History... It didn't matter what was the dream: we were going to be the bests ever!
Then we grew up.

We started to disband: some left to foreign countries and others found something more important than their old friends. The major group still hangs out from time to time, but even so, the dreaded truth is that we grew apart. I used to belong to the third criteria and I watched as things reached this point.
We'd go out and talk about school, future and... Past. That's when things get pretty out of hand on my side. They'd talk about those "stupid dreams" and laugh at them. I hated it! At first I'd bash out without saying anything (sometimes even pushing some of them along the process), then I learned that they didn't understand they were wrong and every time the conversations were headed that way I'd just change the topic or make up some lame excuse to leave.
They didn't understand that our dreams weren't stupid! That were those dreams that got us keep moving on with the hope to achieve them... It took me some time to realise that I was the only one who kept those dreams burning alive deep inside my soul... That my friends had given up on them. They had a good life now... Why change it? They were content.

Well... I wasn't.

But if God does exist, He sure spends His precious time making us suffer.
And surely enjoys it.