Lua Nova, 20 de Maio de 2012
Leave me to die. Please...
I had never seen such coldness in his eyes. Every single word spoken in an emotionless tone had been enough to shock me, but the look in his eyes had destroyed any hope I could have had. He looked empty. You made your choice. Why are you still here?
"Why?" I felt like I was falling. Like there was no more ground below me and I was just falling, falling... "I, I... I was right! I thought you'd be with me on this one!"
He chuckled. But not in funny way like he uses to: it was way somber. "Really? And why the hell would you think that? Because we're friends? Don't be ridiculous: you're not my friend.
"What are you saying? Of course I am!" Is he making fun of me?
"No, you're not! All of this time I've met you, I thought we were... But in retrospective, I came to the conclusion we're not. I was your friend!" He said as cold as he has been since I arrived.
Was? "So am I!" I could feel my heart drumming loudly in my ears.
"No, you're not! All this time, you've done everything you wanted and I've been making the sacrifices to keep up with you. Not once you've sacrificed for me!"
"I don't understand. I've sa-"
"That's the point! You don't understand. You don't understand me!" He shouted at me.
I had never seen him this angry. I started to feel uneasy. "You're not making any sense." I looked him straight in the eye and kept my voice as quiet as possible.
"Because all you ever care about is reason, right? You have to rationalise everything!" He made a dramatic gesture into the air and turned to me again. "Do feelings mean anything to you? Did our friendship mean anything?"
"Yes, it does!"
"Then why did you still followed her?"
"Is this all because of that girl? She was lying to you! I had told you that... I only went after her to get you proofs." Was it that wrong? I was right since the beginning. I thought he'd be happy.
"Yes it is! I had told you to leave it alone, that it was none of your business!" The shouting began once again."Do you remember what I told you when you first came to me with your accusations?"
Of course I remembered. Stop going on about this or our friendship is over. Your choice. "I chose friendship! That's why I told you the truth about her..."
"Bullshit! You chose what you always do: to prove you're right!"
"That- that's not fair!"
"Isn't it? I was blissfully happy; enjoying my time with her and you came and destroyed it." He pointed his finger accusingly at me. "Who's the fair one?"
"It was all a lie!" I screamed back at him. "You can have all that with someone else... Did you prefer to be living a lie?"
A beat passed and he answered. "Yes."
I had no answer to that.
"I loved her more than anything else. Now, because of you it's impossible for us to be together. There always be rumours..." He really was hurting.
How could he prefer a lie "I didn't know you felt like that. But it will get better!" I motion towards him.
He stepped back. "It won't. Thanks to you! Please, leave."
"Come on! You can't be serious. I never thought you were so..."
"So what? Emotional? Irrational? Get over yourself! I'm not the one who's different from the rest." He retorted.
"What do you mean?" My voice was faltering, knowing what was about to come.
"No need to be afraid... You're a big girl now!" He said with a mocking voice mimicking a proud parent. "Big enough to go wandering around and investigating, at least. There's no need to sugarcoat it for you, nor a reason to do it. You're the one who doesn't fit the normal patterns: you're the freak!"
With that I said nothing more. I turned around and walked away. There was nothing left from our friendship.
domingo, 20 de maio de 2012
sábado, 21 de abril de 2012
TEMPO DE ESPERA
Lua Nova, 21 de Abril de 2012
O que é que vou fazer aqui durante uma hora? Entrei calmamente e olhei em volta. Era como se estivesse a nadar contra a corrente... Tudo a sair e eu a entrar. Já para não falar do desconforto de me sentir bastante observada.
Decidi ir para um canto junto a um elevador fora de serviço e esperar. Não teve muito bom resultado: estava tão aborrecida que nem cheguei a estar cinco minutos quieta! Só a andar de uma lado para o outro. Fará muito mal sentar-me no chão? Whatever... As pessoas já estão a olhar para mim, de uma maneira ou de outra. Acabei por me sentar, o que melhorou um pouco o meu humor, pois pude pousar o guarda-chuva encharcado que já me tinha molhado a parte debaixo das calças de andar a bater com ele nas pernas, enquanto andava de um lado para o outro à espera das 13h00. Tirei o telemóvel com esperança de encontrar alguma rede Wi-Fi (desprotegida, claro). Ya, bem posso ficar sentadinha à espera. Tirei os cadernos para ver se estudava alguma coisa, mas não me conseguia concentrar. Não consigo ficar aqui! Levantei-me e decidi ir mais para dentro do piso de entrada.
Não foi preciso ir muito longe para me afastar daqueles olhares indesejáveis. E já não era sem tempo... Um "hall" de espera! Muitos espaços vazios, cadeirões para me sentar e pessoas sem prestarem atenção às outras. Perfeito! Ainda não tinha acabado de pensar nisto, já me sentia um bocado arrependida da expressão que tinha utilizado... Não conseguia deixar de pensar que aquela expressão não pertencia ali.
Fui para a fila de cadeiras mais vazia e sentei-me na cadeira mais perto da janela. Ainda está a chover... E eu ainda vou ter de esperar mais de meia hora. Pode ser que a reunião acabe mais cedo. Também pode acabar mais tarde. Continuei no meu mundo a olhar para fora da janela, a pensar quanto tempo tinha de ali estar, até ouvir os risos de uma miúda que estava seis filas de cadeiras à minha frente e que não parava de chamar a mãe por uma razão que me era desconhecida. A mãe, que estava fixada no telemóvel, olhava para ela, sorria, dizia qualquer coisa ininteligível e voltava a sua atenção para o telemóvel. Na fila de costas para mim, estava um homem de fato e gravata, a conversar alegremente com quem quer que seja que lhe tenha telefonado (na minha opinião, um colega). Mas ao menos podia não falar tão alto.
Neste tempo em que andava a ouvir o que estava à minha volta (não quero andar para aí especada a olhar para o que as pessoas fazem, visto que o mesmo me incomoda), tinha tirado um caderno e começado a desenhar, para passar o tempo. E também para me desviar a atenção de que definitivamente não pertencia ali. Foi uma das vezes em que levantei a cabeça para ver as horas... Só mais 15 minutos, no mínimo! Também reparei numa senhora, idosa, cabelo branco e curto, demasiado magra, óculos redondos e demasiado grandes para a cara alongada dela. Está doente, ou esteve, pelo menos... A roupa estava-lhe muito larga, embora nenhum lhe ficasse curta em corpo, braços ou pernas. Logo, a roupa é, muito provavelmente, dela. O que indica que emagreceu bastante durante a doença. E que eu ando a ver demasiado "Sherlock". Tentei continuar a desenhar, um pouco envergonhada por estar a deduzi-la, mas a mulher não me saía da cabeça. Deve ter sido uma doença grave... Cancro, talvez? Mal dei por mim, estava a olhar outra vez para a senhora. Tinha uma expressão preocupada, tal como as pessoas que a acompanhavam (filha e genro?). Se for mesmo a filha, então a senhora não deve ser tão velha como aparenta... Achei melhor ignorar aquela família, antes que fosse longe demais. O quer que se passasse é assunto deles, não meu. Voltei a fechar-me no meu mundo de desenhos e rabiscos que, tenho a certeza absoluta, não vão chegar ao fim da semana.
O problema é que a senhora estava mesmo na fila de cadeiras debaixo do relógio (que já passava das 13h00) e sempre que olhava para lá, não resistia a ver como é que ela estava. Num desses momentos, vi-a a chorar. Bolas! A mulher ao lado dela estava abraçada a ela, mas eu não lhe conseguia ver a cara. A única coisa que conseguia pensar é que lhe tinha morrido o marido... Não fazia a mínima ideia do porquê daquela família estar ali, não fazia a mínima ideia o porquê de ter pensado aquilo e até podia estar completamente errada, mas era a única ideia que tinha. E isso, fez-me sentir que sabia algo demasiado íntimo e que não tinha nada de ter conhecimento disso. Especialmente, quando a senhora levanta a cara para limpar os olhos.
Nesse momento, baixei a cabeça na direcção do meu caderno. Porquê?... Porquê, porquê, porquê?! Damn it! Não devia ter vindo para aqui! Devia ter ficado à chuva, ao menos não me sentia... Não me sentia como? Como se tivesse invadido a privacidade de alguém! Tinha ido longe demais. Felizmente, não fiz nada para além de pensar. Sei que muitas vezes vou longe demais, especialmente quando o quero fazer. Mas agora... Foi sem querer, puro aborrecimento... A expressão dela tinha me prendido desde o início por demonstrar tanta emoção, enquanto eu controlo quase sempre as expressões que demonstro. Quem me dera poder ir embora...
"Estás pronta?" Ouvi de repente. Finalmente.
"Sim, pai." Arrumei tudo, peguei no guarda-chuva e levantei-me para o cumprimentar. Segui-o em direcção à saída, passando pela senhora idosa, agora mais calma. Desculpa. Disse-o mentalmente, embora sabendo que ela nunca reparou em mim (tal como não repara agora), porque achei que tinha passado das marcas.
Provavelmente, nunca mais a irei ver... Mesmo assim, espero que tudo melhore.
O que é que vou fazer aqui durante uma hora? Entrei calmamente e olhei em volta. Era como se estivesse a nadar contra a corrente... Tudo a sair e eu a entrar. Já para não falar do desconforto de me sentir bastante observada.
Decidi ir para um canto junto a um elevador fora de serviço e esperar. Não teve muito bom resultado: estava tão aborrecida que nem cheguei a estar cinco minutos quieta! Só a andar de uma lado para o outro. Fará muito mal sentar-me no chão? Whatever... As pessoas já estão a olhar para mim, de uma maneira ou de outra. Acabei por me sentar, o que melhorou um pouco o meu humor, pois pude pousar o guarda-chuva encharcado que já me tinha molhado a parte debaixo das calças de andar a bater com ele nas pernas, enquanto andava de um lado para o outro à espera das 13h00. Tirei o telemóvel com esperança de encontrar alguma rede Wi-Fi (desprotegida, claro). Ya, bem posso ficar sentadinha à espera. Tirei os cadernos para ver se estudava alguma coisa, mas não me conseguia concentrar. Não consigo ficar aqui! Levantei-me e decidi ir mais para dentro do piso de entrada.
Não foi preciso ir muito longe para me afastar daqueles olhares indesejáveis. E já não era sem tempo... Um "hall" de espera! Muitos espaços vazios, cadeirões para me sentar e pessoas sem prestarem atenção às outras. Perfeito! Ainda não tinha acabado de pensar nisto, já me sentia um bocado arrependida da expressão que tinha utilizado... Não conseguia deixar de pensar que aquela expressão não pertencia ali.
Fui para a fila de cadeiras mais vazia e sentei-me na cadeira mais perto da janela. Ainda está a chover... E eu ainda vou ter de esperar mais de meia hora. Pode ser que a reunião acabe mais cedo. Também pode acabar mais tarde. Continuei no meu mundo a olhar para fora da janela, a pensar quanto tempo tinha de ali estar, até ouvir os risos de uma miúda que estava seis filas de cadeiras à minha frente e que não parava de chamar a mãe por uma razão que me era desconhecida. A mãe, que estava fixada no telemóvel, olhava para ela, sorria, dizia qualquer coisa ininteligível e voltava a sua atenção para o telemóvel. Na fila de costas para mim, estava um homem de fato e gravata, a conversar alegremente com quem quer que seja que lhe tenha telefonado (na minha opinião, um colega). Mas ao menos podia não falar tão alto.
Neste tempo em que andava a ouvir o que estava à minha volta (não quero andar para aí especada a olhar para o que as pessoas fazem, visto que o mesmo me incomoda), tinha tirado um caderno e começado a desenhar, para passar o tempo. E também para me desviar a atenção de que definitivamente não pertencia ali. Foi uma das vezes em que levantei a cabeça para ver as horas... Só mais 15 minutos, no mínimo! Também reparei numa senhora, idosa, cabelo branco e curto, demasiado magra, óculos redondos e demasiado grandes para a cara alongada dela. Está doente, ou esteve, pelo menos... A roupa estava-lhe muito larga, embora nenhum lhe ficasse curta em corpo, braços ou pernas. Logo, a roupa é, muito provavelmente, dela. O que indica que emagreceu bastante durante a doença. E que eu ando a ver demasiado "Sherlock". Tentei continuar a desenhar, um pouco envergonhada por estar a deduzi-la, mas a mulher não me saía da cabeça. Deve ter sido uma doença grave... Cancro, talvez? Mal dei por mim, estava a olhar outra vez para a senhora. Tinha uma expressão preocupada, tal como as pessoas que a acompanhavam (filha e genro?). Se for mesmo a filha, então a senhora não deve ser tão velha como aparenta... Achei melhor ignorar aquela família, antes que fosse longe demais. O quer que se passasse é assunto deles, não meu. Voltei a fechar-me no meu mundo de desenhos e rabiscos que, tenho a certeza absoluta, não vão chegar ao fim da semana.
O problema é que a senhora estava mesmo na fila de cadeiras debaixo do relógio (que já passava das 13h00) e sempre que olhava para lá, não resistia a ver como é que ela estava. Num desses momentos, vi-a a chorar. Bolas! A mulher ao lado dela estava abraçada a ela, mas eu não lhe conseguia ver a cara. A única coisa que conseguia pensar é que lhe tinha morrido o marido... Não fazia a mínima ideia do porquê daquela família estar ali, não fazia a mínima ideia o porquê de ter pensado aquilo e até podia estar completamente errada, mas era a única ideia que tinha. E isso, fez-me sentir que sabia algo demasiado íntimo e que não tinha nada de ter conhecimento disso. Especialmente, quando a senhora levanta a cara para limpar os olhos.
Nesse momento, baixei a cabeça na direcção do meu caderno. Porquê?... Porquê, porquê, porquê?! Damn it! Não devia ter vindo para aqui! Devia ter ficado à chuva, ao menos não me sentia... Não me sentia como? Como se tivesse invadido a privacidade de alguém! Tinha ido longe demais. Felizmente, não fiz nada para além de pensar. Sei que muitas vezes vou longe demais, especialmente quando o quero fazer. Mas agora... Foi sem querer, puro aborrecimento... A expressão dela tinha me prendido desde o início por demonstrar tanta emoção, enquanto eu controlo quase sempre as expressões que demonstro. Quem me dera poder ir embora...
"Estás pronta?" Ouvi de repente. Finalmente.
"Sim, pai." Arrumei tudo, peguei no guarda-chuva e levantei-me para o cumprimentar. Segui-o em direcção à saída, passando pela senhora idosa, agora mais calma. Desculpa. Disse-o mentalmente, embora sabendo que ela nunca reparou em mim (tal como não repara agora), porque achei que tinha passado das marcas.
Provavelmente, nunca mais a irei ver... Mesmo assim, espero que tudo melhore.
sexta-feira, 23 de março de 2012
ESPERANÇA
Lua Nova, 22 de Março de 2012
Há anos que faço isto e algo que não esperava era aproximar-me de um deles. Uma rapariga tão adulta que parecia carregar o peso do mundo nos ombros. Pobre rapariga.
Os olhos escuros, atentos a tudo, escondiam a sua inteligência e perspicácia. A sua postura demonstrava a coragem que a tinha trazido até ali, em nome do sacrifício mais nobre que se pode fazer... Por amor.
Sentia uma certa honra por ali estar e a poder conhecer. Ofereci-lhe a minha amizade sincera e ajudei-a em tudo o que pude. Ao se aproximar o dia D, convencia-me de que talvez ela conseguisse, embora soubesse que as hipóteses eram muito remotas ela tinha um espírito lutador e não iria abaixo facilmente.
Quando a altura chegou, não haveria mais nada que pudesse fazer por ela... Tudo dependia dela. Antes de nos separarmos do que poderia ser para sempre, abracei-a e disse-lhe que tudo iria acabar e só poderia esperar pelo melhor.
Olhei para ela, mas a atitude calma que me era familiar tinha sido substituída por medo puro. O terror espelhava-se no rosto... Era como ver um animal assustado, preso numa jaula, à espera do horrível destino que o aguardava.
Tinha que a deixar ir. Assegurei-lhe mais uma vez de que confiava nela e despedi-me.
Enquanto a via desaparecer, lembrava-me do pouco tempo que passei com ela.
Ela é capaz. Espero que consiga ultrapassar isto.
Ela conseguiu... Ela venceu.
Há anos que faço isto e algo que não esperava era aproximar-me de um deles. Uma rapariga tão adulta que parecia carregar o peso do mundo nos ombros. Pobre rapariga.
Os olhos escuros, atentos a tudo, escondiam a sua inteligência e perspicácia. A sua postura demonstrava a coragem que a tinha trazido até ali, em nome do sacrifício mais nobre que se pode fazer... Por amor.
Sentia uma certa honra por ali estar e a poder conhecer. Ofereci-lhe a minha amizade sincera e ajudei-a em tudo o que pude. Ao se aproximar o dia D, convencia-me de que talvez ela conseguisse, embora soubesse que as hipóteses eram muito remotas ela tinha um espírito lutador e não iria abaixo facilmente.
Quando a altura chegou, não haveria mais nada que pudesse fazer por ela... Tudo dependia dela. Antes de nos separarmos do que poderia ser para sempre, abracei-a e disse-lhe que tudo iria acabar e só poderia esperar pelo melhor.
Olhei para ela, mas a atitude calma que me era familiar tinha sido substituída por medo puro. O terror espelhava-se no rosto... Era como ver um animal assustado, preso numa jaula, à espera do horrível destino que o aguardava.
Tinha que a deixar ir. Assegurei-lhe mais uma vez de que confiava nela e despedi-me.
Enquanto a via desaparecer, lembrava-me do pouco tempo que passei com ela.
Ela é capaz. Espero que consiga ultrapassar isto.
\~. * .~/
terça-feira, 21 de fevereiro de 2012
IF I DIE YOUNG
Lua Nova, 21 de Fevereiro de 2012
I was never one to think too much about the future... The here and now is what matters.
However, things happen and get you to think about your future. I started to wonder about my own death.
If I were to die today, I wouldn't get to do so many things that I always thought I had time to do later but that, after all, I hadn't. Too much I'd still want to try, so many places that I had want to travel to.
How many people would attend my funeral? What would they feel? These weren't questions that bothered me... No matter who died, how they died and who would miss them, life goes on sooner or later. We're only a small part of something bigger. One out of billions. The world doesn't stop turning for a person. There won't be only rain and grey skies ahead...
What bothers me is what I'd miss. I'd never have a chance to know how I'd turn out. I wouldn't make it to my birthday. I'd miss my chance at love.
I'd miss my chance at love... Never got to knew someone who loved me. That bothers me. What eveyone's looking forward to, I'd postponed. Everyone who told me they loved me, I'd dismissed them, without a second thought... I wasn't interested in them. They didn't even knew me. So I just kept on living, moving forward.
However, there is one person. Someone who's there for me, someone I can always rely on... I'm told he loves me and I dismiss it: not important. But if I were to die, would it be important? Would I want that person by my side to tell me that? Surprinsingly, yes...
That's why I couldn't keep myself from thinking about dying... Because I want you to know that if I die young, I have never loved anyone but you are the person I came the closest to love.
I was never one to think too much about the future... The here and now is what matters.
However, things happen and get you to think about your future. I started to wonder about my own death.
If I were to die today, I wouldn't get to do so many things that I always thought I had time to do later but that, after all, I hadn't. Too much I'd still want to try, so many places that I had want to travel to.
How many people would attend my funeral? What would they feel? These weren't questions that bothered me... No matter who died, how they died and who would miss them, life goes on sooner or later. We're only a small part of something bigger. One out of billions. The world doesn't stop turning for a person. There won't be only rain and grey skies ahead...
What bothers me is what I'd miss. I'd never have a chance to know how I'd turn out. I wouldn't make it to my birthday. I'd miss my chance at love.
I'd miss my chance at love... Never got to knew someone who loved me. That bothers me. What eveyone's looking forward to, I'd postponed. Everyone who told me they loved me, I'd dismissed them, without a second thought... I wasn't interested in them. They didn't even knew me. So I just kept on living, moving forward.
However, there is one person. Someone who's there for me, someone I can always rely on... I'm told he loves me and I dismiss it: not important. But if I were to die, would it be important? Would I want that person by my side to tell me that? Surprinsingly, yes...
That's why I couldn't keep myself from thinking about dying... Because I want you to know that if I die young, I have never loved anyone but you are the person I came the closest to love.
sábado, 24 de dezembro de 2011
WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN
Lua Nova, 24 de Dezembro de 2011
I wouldn't say I was very different from other people... Honest!
But I'd never say I was like them, either.
Who knew me would call me clever, proud and active. Those who didn't knew me saw a impetuous, obstinate, spoiled child. I'd say I was both. Apparently, I was always what people didn't want me to be. So, since a young age, I started not caring about their opinion: mine was the only one that mattered.
I was given endless opportunities... Such a wide range of futures for me. I had something that others, who weren't as (un)fortunate as me, didn't: wealth.
People say that money isn't the most important thing in one's life... But the truth is that it is one of them. It opens lots of doors... And people know that if they're nice to people with money, something will be given in return. No matter what.
That factor was very convenient in everything I was a part of... Lots of benefits for being so wealthy. That's why I started hiding my life and my history. It wasn't fair. And I absolutely hated that people thought that I would never do the same things on my own!
It was harsher in the begining, that simple questions or requests or right-down refused. But easily I proved wrong everyone who questioned my method of living. Always around me, staring at me as if I had grown a 2nd head... Those pityful, superior, hateful looks, made me want to die of shame for belonging to such a prejudiced circle! They didn't understand that the world wasn't the shiny place they were used to live, where everything seemed to be touched by the sun... Society didn't work that way. Most people live in the real word where sun shines once in a while and where the moon is their companion through the dark-pitched night.
That world showed me everything I should've known, if for some wicked twist of fate I were to belong there...
They didn't have what I had, but they were much more free than me and that... That was what atracted me more.
I was given endless opportunities... All of them promising future where the sun shines everyday.
I could have everything. And I could belong to the night.
I wouldn't say I was very different from other people... Honest!
But I'd never say I was like them, either.
Who knew me would call me clever, proud and active. Those who didn't knew me saw a impetuous, obstinate, spoiled child. I'd say I was both. Apparently, I was always what people didn't want me to be. So, since a young age, I started not caring about their opinion: mine was the only one that mattered.
I was given endless opportunities... Such a wide range of futures for me. I had something that others, who weren't as (un)fortunate as me, didn't: wealth.
People say that money isn't the most important thing in one's life... But the truth is that it is one of them. It opens lots of doors... And people know that if they're nice to people with money, something will be given in return. No matter what.
That factor was very convenient in everything I was a part of... Lots of benefits for being so wealthy. That's why I started hiding my life and my history. It wasn't fair. And I absolutely hated that people thought that I would never do the same things on my own!
It was harsher in the begining, that simple questions or requests or right-down refused. But easily I proved wrong everyone who questioned my method of living. Always around me, staring at me as if I had grown a 2nd head... Those pityful, superior, hateful looks, made me want to die of shame for belonging to such a prejudiced circle! They didn't understand that the world wasn't the shiny place they were used to live, where everything seemed to be touched by the sun... Society didn't work that way. Most people live in the real word where sun shines once in a while and where the moon is their companion through the dark-pitched night.
That world showed me everything I should've known, if for some wicked twist of fate I were to belong there...
They didn't have what I had, but they were much more free than me and that... That was what atracted me more.
I was given endless opportunities... All of them promising future where the sun shines everyday.
I could have everything. And I could belong to the night.
sexta-feira, 25 de novembro de 2011
ALGUÉM
Lua Nova, 25 de Novembro de 2011
Todos os dias passo por sítios cheios de gente e sinto-me cada vez mais só. Olho para elas sem me preocupar em esconder que estou a olhar. Na verdade, estou só a observar e a estudar - perfis, expressões, comportamentos, etc.
De manhã, não há grandes problemas porque a maioria parece pensar mais em como seria estar a dormir, ou como será o resto do dia, do que reparar em mim.
A partir da hora de almoço, a história é outra. O sono já era e as pessoas estão bem acordadas e dispostas a reparar em tudo e mais alguma coisa. Incluindo eu. Também parece que estão muito mais dispostas a falar e isso sim: dá-me cabo dos nervos. Quero estar calmamente a observar, mas há demasiado barulho e acabo sempre por tentar afastar-me o mais possível de tudo o que implique contacto com outro ser humano. Tentar abster um mundo tão barulhento não é fácil e nem sempre resulta. Quando volto a olhar, parece que todos estão a tentar fazer o mesmo, não parando de olhar - se bem que às vezes tentem disfarçar ao olhar para outra coisa que esteja no mesmo plano de visão - e quando os apanho, o que recebo é um olhar de desprezo ou do tipo "Que esquisita!".
Será que por me manter séria e calada, apenas preocupada em manter-me no meu lugar sem chatear ninguém, transmito um ar altivo, arrogante e de "Quero lá saber dos outros. Eu sou a melhor."? Eu acho que não! Acho... Mas também não me preocupa o que outros pensam de mim. Apenas agradecia que não o demonstrassem tão abertamente.
Enquanto estudo o que fazem e como agem, inadvertidamente comparo-os comigo e penso em como o meu comportamento é um outlier no geral do que observo. Falta-me alguém. Alguém com quem falar, com quem trocar mensagens, alguém com quem estar. Não tenho ninguém.
Porquê? Talvez não seja importante. Mas porque não ter alguém que me acompanhe e me apoie? Alguém com quem falar não seja difícil e confuso? Alguém...
Todos os dias passo por sítios cheios de gente e sinto-me cada vez mais só. Olho para elas sem me preocupar em esconder que estou a olhar. Na verdade, estou só a observar e a estudar - perfis, expressões, comportamentos, etc.
De manhã, não há grandes problemas porque a maioria parece pensar mais em como seria estar a dormir, ou como será o resto do dia, do que reparar em mim.
A partir da hora de almoço, a história é outra. O sono já era e as pessoas estão bem acordadas e dispostas a reparar em tudo e mais alguma coisa. Incluindo eu. Também parece que estão muito mais dispostas a falar e isso sim: dá-me cabo dos nervos. Quero estar calmamente a observar, mas há demasiado barulho e acabo sempre por tentar afastar-me o mais possível de tudo o que implique contacto com outro ser humano. Tentar abster um mundo tão barulhento não é fácil e nem sempre resulta. Quando volto a olhar, parece que todos estão a tentar fazer o mesmo, não parando de olhar - se bem que às vezes tentem disfarçar ao olhar para outra coisa que esteja no mesmo plano de visão - e quando os apanho, o que recebo é um olhar de desprezo ou do tipo "Que esquisita!".
Será que por me manter séria e calada, apenas preocupada em manter-me no meu lugar sem chatear ninguém, transmito um ar altivo, arrogante e de "Quero lá saber dos outros. Eu sou a melhor."? Eu acho que não! Acho... Mas também não me preocupa o que outros pensam de mim. Apenas agradecia que não o demonstrassem tão abertamente.
Enquanto estudo o que fazem e como agem, inadvertidamente comparo-os comigo e penso em como o meu comportamento é um outlier no geral do que observo. Falta-me alguém. Alguém com quem falar, com quem trocar mensagens, alguém com quem estar. Não tenho ninguém.
Porquê? Talvez não seja importante. Mas porque não ter alguém que me acompanhe e me apoie? Alguém com quem falar não seja difícil e confuso? Alguém...
segunda-feira, 7 de novembro de 2011
FOR A CHANGE
Lua Nova, 26 de Outubro de 2011
Lies after lies after more damned lies. It's just something I got used to... I'm not even surprised at that anymore! What surprises me is my stupidity! What made me believe this time would be any different?
All I want is to disappear somewhere I'll never see you again...
Who am I kidding? I'm not even finished thinking and I already know it's not the truth. You're not the problem: I am.
Since long ago that I'm aware that human beings are flawed creatures. Life turns them that way.
They mimic what they see, learn what works for them and what doesn't and finally achieve to get better. Lying - I came to learn - is one of their favorite subjects to learn. It allows them to stand out more or to lay lower than the rest... I, as one of them, also learned and perfected this "science" to use it as a shield.
It works perfectly for my purposes: keeping everyone out and be accepted by the norms of society. However, there are people who I let in... After analysing them over and over again to make sure I don't get hurt I stop the lies and show them my true face - I'm never wrong about them.
I learn to enjoy the truth from them but the rest of the world is still so full of lies. My friends tell me that it isn't as bad as I paint it and that I should do the same thing I did with them and let others know my real self... Who'd know if I wouldn't be surprised? No, I'm not. It's as I always expect - more lies!
Am I asking too much? To not be surrounded with people filling your mind with endless rubbish all while you just nod and smile, pretending that everything is okay even though it's not?
I want so bad to be wrong, but I'm not. I want to believe that if I don't lie, I'm not lied too.
I want someone that doesn't lie to me and that won't ever do.
I just want someone I can trust for a change.
Lies after lies after more damned lies. It's just something I got used to... I'm not even surprised at that anymore! What surprises me is my stupidity! What made me believe this time would be any different?
All I want is to disappear somewhere I'll never see you again...
Who am I kidding? I'm not even finished thinking and I already know it's not the truth. You're not the problem: I am.
Since long ago that I'm aware that human beings are flawed creatures. Life turns them that way.
They mimic what they see, learn what works for them and what doesn't and finally achieve to get better. Lying - I came to learn - is one of their favorite subjects to learn. It allows them to stand out more or to lay lower than the rest... I, as one of them, also learned and perfected this "science" to use it as a shield.
It works perfectly for my purposes: keeping everyone out and be accepted by the norms of society. However, there are people who I let in... After analysing them over and over again to make sure I don't get hurt I stop the lies and show them my true face - I'm never wrong about them.
I learn to enjoy the truth from them but the rest of the world is still so full of lies. My friends tell me that it isn't as bad as I paint it and that I should do the same thing I did with them and let others know my real self... Who'd know if I wouldn't be surprised? No, I'm not. It's as I always expect - more lies!
Am I asking too much? To not be surrounded with people filling your mind with endless rubbish all while you just nod and smile, pretending that everything is okay even though it's not?
I want so bad to be wrong, but I'm not. I want to believe that if I don't lie, I'm not lied too.
I want someone that doesn't lie to me and that won't ever do.
I just want someone I can trust for a change.
sexta-feira, 30 de setembro de 2011
PHOTOGRAPH
Lua Nova, 27 de Setembro de 2011
Here I was hiding behind a tree, as childish as it can get.
When I got the news I couldn't believe it: it just wasn't possible... I refused any kind of human contact and locked myself at home. I refused to come here today, I told myself thousands of times and repeated it a few more, just in case. However it made no difference or what so ever. Before I even realized it, I was getting dressed and walking out of the apartment.
I checked my wallet, looking for a specific item, probably hid in there for God-knows-how-long! It was still there. I shoved the wallet in my pocket again as I started walking there. By this time, it had already started and if I was lucky, it was over before I reached the place.
But I wasn't lucky. If I was, this wouldn't have happened to me but to someone else. I know it's selfish but right now I can't find the will in me to care about it.
That's how I got to this point: hidden... Behind a tree. Seriously, how ridiculous am I?
Some people already noticed me. Her family, to be exact. Their faces flushed and wet from crying. I want to cry too, but that would draw attention to someone hiding behind a tree instead of join the rest of them and that's not something I want. It's her ceremony; it's her moment to be noticed. Though I know that she would never want to be in the spotlight if there was any other way... Even so people noticed her.
Her sister is completely heartbroken and as she looks in my direction her crying and sobbing intensifies and she looks away and hides her face. Her parents' stare is only focused in what is in front of them: they should be proud of their daughter. There are a lot of people around them: some I know, others I recognize and the rest are completely unfamiliar faces to me... But she knew them. I never imagined that she would have this many people who liked and cared about her.
In one of our conversations I remember she said that no one really knew her, but I was probably one of the few who knew her the best. I laughed that time, because I didn't understand how she could say that when there were people whom she talked more and knew her for more years than I did. Still she assured me that I knew her better than them. She laughed and said nothing more.
Today as I see these people talking I understand it. They try to talk about her but there are many gaps in her personality that they don't realize. But I do. I really knew her better than the great majority of the people here.
A few more minutes and they'll be gone. Sad or not they still have to go on. That's when I'll come out from my hiding place...
The crowd starts to vanish and pay their homage. I wait a bit longer, afraid of what I'm about to see. I approach the new tomb in here and read your name, the touching words engraved and the time line where you lived. I guess this makes it official: you're really gone! This makes my chest hurts like someone was crushing it. Lonely tears start rolling down my face and my throat is suddenly unable to create any sound. You know, since you died I can't sleep without dreaming of you. And as a result of that I wake up in tears... Just your memory isn't enough for me. I need you! And I haven't realized that until now... I had taken you for granted, that you'd always be there no matter what, just like you had until there. But now... Now it's like a part of me died along with you.
I didn't even want to come, in order to ignore this stupid reality and not accepting this. But I couldn't stop thinking about it either and came to the conclusion that you'd be certainly pissed off and disappointed at me if I didn't come... And that I couldn't live with: I'd end up regretting it.
I reached once again for my wallet and took those four snapshots we took on our trip, after you drag me into a photo boot. Each of us had a copy so we could always remember one another. After you're gone your family sent me a few things assuming that being one of her best friends. Most of it were gifts we exchanged along the years and pictures of us together. When I saw your copy of these snapshots I was confused: the last one was missing... My personal favorite, mind you. I continued to take a trip along that memory lane which were your things. When I got to the music box I had offered in one of your birthdays I remembered you told me that it was the best birthday present you had ever got and that you listened to it every night... That's why I was surprised, in a good way of course, that inside of it was the last snapshot. The last thing you saw at night and the first thing when you woke up was our photograph. The first three of the set were us joking around but in this last I had pulled you into a kiss and that moment had been recorded forever.
I decided to stay with your set, but I still want you to have something as a remembrance... So I decided to give you mine. I know you'd be embarrassed if this was shown so I'll tape it to the space between the two stones. Where people can't see it. But we both know it'll be there.
And now, that it's all done... The only thing I feel is this need to cry my eyes out and I can't stop it anymore.
Here I was hiding behind a tree, as childish as it can get.
When I got the news I couldn't believe it: it just wasn't possible... I refused any kind of human contact and locked myself at home. I refused to come here today, I told myself thousands of times and repeated it a few more, just in case. However it made no difference or what so ever. Before I even realized it, I was getting dressed and walking out of the apartment.
I checked my wallet, looking for a specific item, probably hid in there for God-knows-how-long! It was still there. I shoved the wallet in my pocket again as I started walking there. By this time, it had already started and if I was lucky, it was over before I reached the place.
But I wasn't lucky. If I was, this wouldn't have happened to me but to someone else. I know it's selfish but right now I can't find the will in me to care about it.
That's how I got to this point: hidden... Behind a tree. Seriously, how ridiculous am I?
Some people already noticed me. Her family, to be exact. Their faces flushed and wet from crying. I want to cry too, but that would draw attention to someone hiding behind a tree instead of join the rest of them and that's not something I want. It's her ceremony; it's her moment to be noticed. Though I know that she would never want to be in the spotlight if there was any other way... Even so people noticed her.
Her sister is completely heartbroken and as she looks in my direction her crying and sobbing intensifies and she looks away and hides her face. Her parents' stare is only focused in what is in front of them: they should be proud of their daughter. There are a lot of people around them: some I know, others I recognize and the rest are completely unfamiliar faces to me... But she knew them. I never imagined that she would have this many people who liked and cared about her.
In one of our conversations I remember she said that no one really knew her, but I was probably one of the few who knew her the best. I laughed that time, because I didn't understand how she could say that when there were people whom she talked more and knew her for more years than I did. Still she assured me that I knew her better than them. She laughed and said nothing more.
Today as I see these people talking I understand it. They try to talk about her but there are many gaps in her personality that they don't realize. But I do. I really knew her better than the great majority of the people here.
A few more minutes and they'll be gone. Sad or not they still have to go on. That's when I'll come out from my hiding place...
The crowd starts to vanish and pay their homage. I wait a bit longer, afraid of what I'm about to see. I approach the new tomb in here and read your name, the touching words engraved and the time line where you lived. I guess this makes it official: you're really gone! This makes my chest hurts like someone was crushing it. Lonely tears start rolling down my face and my throat is suddenly unable to create any sound. You know, since you died I can't sleep without dreaming of you. And as a result of that I wake up in tears... Just your memory isn't enough for me. I need you! And I haven't realized that until now... I had taken you for granted, that you'd always be there no matter what, just like you had until there. But now... Now it's like a part of me died along with you.
I didn't even want to come, in order to ignore this stupid reality and not accepting this. But I couldn't stop thinking about it either and came to the conclusion that you'd be certainly pissed off and disappointed at me if I didn't come... And that I couldn't live with: I'd end up regretting it.
I reached once again for my wallet and took those four snapshots we took on our trip, after you drag me into a photo boot. Each of us had a copy so we could always remember one another. After you're gone your family sent me a few things assuming that being one of her best friends. Most of it were gifts we exchanged along the years and pictures of us together. When I saw your copy of these snapshots I was confused: the last one was missing... My personal favorite, mind you. I continued to take a trip along that memory lane which were your things. When I got to the music box I had offered in one of your birthdays I remembered you told me that it was the best birthday present you had ever got and that you listened to it every night... That's why I was surprised, in a good way of course, that inside of it was the last snapshot. The last thing you saw at night and the first thing when you woke up was our photograph. The first three of the set were us joking around but in this last I had pulled you into a kiss and that moment had been recorded forever.
I decided to stay with your set, but I still want you to have something as a remembrance... So I decided to give you mine. I know you'd be embarrassed if this was shown so I'll tape it to the space between the two stones. Where people can't see it. But we both know it'll be there.
And now, that it's all done... The only thing I feel is this need to cry my eyes out and I can't stop it anymore.
segunda-feira, 29 de agosto de 2011
E SE... ?
Lua Nova, 29 de Agosto de 2011
Porque é que nunca estás contente? Num momento, está tudo bem. No outro, encontras todas as razões para estares sem me falares.
Não consigo perceber como é que funcionas ou porque fazes isto: tentas de tudo para me zangar contigo e atirares as culpas para cima de mim. O problema é que não consegues, pois a culpa é tua... E sabes disso.
Não queres falar, tudo bem. Mas eu também sou demasiado orgulhosa para dar o primeiro passo. Tão parecida contigo e não me entendes... Não precisas de me explicar essa parte. Queres mais atenção, queres que reparem em ti... Precisas de todas as pessoas a olharem para ti, para sentires que as pessoas te vêem. Te vejam: a ti e não a sombra de alguém! E eu sou a pessoa mais próxima para te vingares.
Enquanto manténs esse "espectáculo", eu odeio-me, mal-digo o meu orgulho e sofro o quanto tempo estou separada de ti a fingir que desapareceste da face da Terra e tu fazes o mesmo em relação a mim... Estou sempre a pensar no que poderíamos estar a fazer, divertir-me contigo... Até implicar contigo. Não há um momento em que não pense em ti: és a única pessoa sem a qual não imagino viver.
Isto destrói-me... Principalmente, quando penso "E se amanhã já não tiver a oportunidade de me rir contigo? E se nunca mais tiver a oportunidade de ser eu a dizer «Desculpa.» só para acabar com esta zanga? E se esta ira for a última coisa que sentes por mim?" Pensamentos mórbidos, mas que só preocupam quando não falas comigo.
E quando tudo passa, voltamos ao mesmo. Embora não admitas, eu sei que sentiste saudades. Tiras-me este peso da minha consciência... E estou outra vez ao pé de ti. Tens toda a minha atenção e tudo o que peço em troca é um pouco da tua.
Destas vezes só penso "E se nunca mais tivéssemos de nos zangar? E se ficasses assim, sempre ao meu lado? Não seria fantástico?"
Porque é que nunca estás contente? Num momento, está tudo bem. No outro, encontras todas as razões para estares sem me falares.
Não consigo perceber como é que funcionas ou porque fazes isto: tentas de tudo para me zangar contigo e atirares as culpas para cima de mim. O problema é que não consegues, pois a culpa é tua... E sabes disso.
Não queres falar, tudo bem. Mas eu também sou demasiado orgulhosa para dar o primeiro passo. Tão parecida contigo e não me entendes... Não precisas de me explicar essa parte. Queres mais atenção, queres que reparem em ti... Precisas de todas as pessoas a olharem para ti, para sentires que as pessoas te vêem. Te vejam: a ti e não a sombra de alguém! E eu sou a pessoa mais próxima para te vingares.
Enquanto manténs esse "espectáculo", eu odeio-me, mal-digo o meu orgulho e sofro o quanto tempo estou separada de ti a fingir que desapareceste da face da Terra e tu fazes o mesmo em relação a mim... Estou sempre a pensar no que poderíamos estar a fazer, divertir-me contigo... Até implicar contigo. Não há um momento em que não pense em ti: és a única pessoa sem a qual não imagino viver.
Isto destrói-me... Principalmente, quando penso "E se amanhã já não tiver a oportunidade de me rir contigo? E se nunca mais tiver a oportunidade de ser eu a dizer «Desculpa.» só para acabar com esta zanga? E se esta ira for a última coisa que sentes por mim?" Pensamentos mórbidos, mas que só preocupam quando não falas comigo.
E quando tudo passa, voltamos ao mesmo. Embora não admitas, eu sei que sentiste saudades. Tiras-me este peso da minha consciência... E estou outra vez ao pé de ti. Tens toda a minha atenção e tudo o que peço em troca é um pouco da tua.
Destas vezes só penso "E se nunca mais tivéssemos de nos zangar? E se ficasses assim, sempre ao meu lado? Não seria fantástico?"
sábado, 30 de julho de 2011
LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME
Lua Nova, 30 de Junho de 2011
His eyes followed Rose's every movement on her seat, two rows below his own. It had become like this for a while now, but he couldn't make up his mind about the "when"... Today, last week or last month? Dan wasn't sure: all he knew was that this has been up for at least one hour now. And he had exactly... «One hour and 24 minutes left until the class is over.»
If he had been like this on the other classes, then it was explained why all he remembered, mostly on Physics, was where Rose sat, how she had done her hair, whom she sat next to and - if it was the case, when he was the one who sat beside her - what she talked about and how she was able to still pay attention to what was being taught.
He knew her for five years now... Though he wasn't sure of what he felt about Rose, he was certain that she was more than a friend to him. Was it because of how she acted more spontaneous around him? Dan hadn't seen her laugh freely many times. He enjoyed the fact that he had been the one who made her laugh like that a few times.
Some of the guys didn't understand why he tried so hard to spend time with her. Most of the times she refused. He couldn't deny that... But whenever she refused he could see something in her eyes, something he couldn't decipher. He wanted to know what it was. Rose always showed a polite, responsible, smiley side of her and Dan knew that she had more beneath that... It wasn't her true side. At least not most of the time: she was polite and responsible and smiley. He didn't mean to say otherwise! What he meant was that she couldn't be like that all the time! That was abnormal, inhuman... Rose was human, therefore she had to have other feelings. Feelings that she deliberately chose not to show.
Truth was that she was appreciated by everyone: not liked, but not disliked neither. Her attitude towards her friends was more open than towards others and still she kept that smiley façade. «Is she like that to me, too?» This gave him something to think of but concluded that she wasn't.
«Is everything all right?» Kevin was looking straight at him. «Yeah, why shouldn't it be?» Then he crossed his arms over his chest, slouched down on the chair and furrowed his brows while pouting. After that he started glaring to the teacher. «Ah, nothing.» Was his only reply. Was he mad at Dan?... But his voice sounded like he was joking... Not angry. Dan spent a while figuring out what was wrong in this picture and then he got it. «The joke is on me.» Kevin was mimicking his pose perfectly. Dan had been so caught up in his thoughts that didn't notice that he was letting his emotions show through his posture. «Ah ah ah. Dead funny Kevin.» Said person sat up straight immediately grinning. «So you finally got it... You had some people glancing at your behavior and laugh, others just glanced and started with the gossips. On my behalf... I was counting how many different faces you made since class started. Glaring was the eighth.» Dan nudged him in the ribs in order to make him stop. «It's nothing to worry about. I was just thinking.» He said with a bit of annoyance.
Kevin was pretty bored and his attention was no longer in hydrodynamics. «What's or who's so important that got you so... Let's just say: distracted?» Dan glared at him. Kevin surely knew what he was thinking about: now and then he would drop hints like this whenever he was with Rose - who used to ignore or not listen at all; at least, pretended to do it - or something along the lines. He was one of the smartest guys Dan had ever known... In fact, he didn't know who was smarter: Kevin or Rose. He decided to play like Rose: ignore Kevin. She made this work perfectly and if he continued to talk she usually came with some witty and funny remark enough to make him laugh and drop or change the subject. «Damn! She had to be the smartest out of the two.»
Kevin's voice sounded again full of fake concern. «Did you listen? I'm waiting for an answer.»
«Ignore him.»
«You're being really mean and rude to your best friend...»
«Oh, look! A new formula... I think I've seen it before.»
«Won't you answer me, -»
«I get it. I had already wrote it down.»
«- Daniel?»
Dan snapped his head in Kevin's direction. If his eyes shot laser, Kevin would be so dead right now. Now he had showed Dan that he knew about Rose. She was the only who called Dan by his full name.
Kevin was the first one to spoke up again. «I knew it had to do with her. I don't get it! I really don't. Why are you so... So... So obsessed with Rose! She doesn't deserve half of it.»
«What? Why?» Dan looked surprise. He didn't know that Kevin was so against whatever he felt - though it wasn't obsession - for the girl. «I just like her.»
«No. You don't "just like her"! You're always talking about her, always searching for her, always inviting her to go out, always looking at her! That has to be obsession." Kevin was getting a little out of hand at the moment.
Dan stood in place wondering about everything his friend had just said. He kept quiet in order to make Kevin calm down. «If it really is like this, I'm surprised she didn't notice... Why hasn't anyone else noticed? The way Kevin talks it's almost like I'm always being drawed to her. Just like a moth to a flame.»
Kevin calmed down and talked again. «Furthermore, she doesn't care at all about you.»
«She does! I know her better than you.» Was Dan's too much heated reply, which resulted in a few faces glancing in his direction - including the teacher.
The two boys sit up straight and started whispering. «I don't doubt that. But the way I see it, you're the one who cares the most! You have lots of girls chasing after you, many are prettier than Rose.» Kevin was determined to know. «Why don't you fancy one of them? Why don't you even give them a chance?»
Dan was fuming. «Why are you so against Rose? She may not be just as pretty, but it's more than that!»
«Than what is it? Because I can't see it and, certainly, no one else can. Besides, I'm not against her, I'm her friend... I just want to understand you.» Kevin took a small pause, as if wondering what or how to say something. «I'm one of the few who noticed about you and her - even though you're so obvious, people think that you're just airheaded - and from what I see, you're always approaching her and getting to know her. I think that she likes you more than she likes the rest of us, but I don't know if it's more friendship trust, because you know each other longer, or if she's that shy about loving you.»
This bewildered Dan. Kevin had understood the whole scene so perfectly in this half of hour, when a while ago he was just wondering why he was more interested in Rose than in class.
As his friend didn't reply, Kevin continued. «I won't bother you more. I just want you to think about this: you are trying to "build" a new relationship between the two; is she trying too?» He turned his head to his notes. «I might be wrong, but you're too naïve. You trust too easily and expect the same in return. I don't want you to get disappointed because if that happened, you wouldn't be able to face Rose again and both of you are my best friends in this college.» And finished with a small laugh. «As a matter of fact, I prefer you to date Rose, than any of your fangirls!»
As Kevin became silent and turned all of his attention to the class Dan turned back his attention to the girl that had gotten him so confuse. «What if Kevin was right and she didn't return his feelings as he wished every day and night? He really was too naïve. But he also knew that she felt more about him than just friends. He knew, right?»
The class was almost over and many students had already quit pretending paying attention and left. In Dan's mind time and space didn't exist right now. Only one thing mattered. «If I am drawed to Rose like a moth to a flame, will I get burnt if I get too close to her?»
It was a bet he had to take at his own risk.
His eyes followed Rose's every movement on her seat, two rows below his own. It had become like this for a while now, but he couldn't make up his mind about the "when"... Today, last week or last month? Dan wasn't sure: all he knew was that this has been up for at least one hour now. And he had exactly... «One hour and 24 minutes left until the class is over.»
If he had been like this on the other classes, then it was explained why all he remembered, mostly on Physics, was where Rose sat, how she had done her hair, whom she sat next to and - if it was the case, when he was the one who sat beside her - what she talked about and how she was able to still pay attention to what was being taught.
He knew her for five years now... Though he wasn't sure of what he felt about Rose, he was certain that she was more than a friend to him. Was it because of how she acted more spontaneous around him? Dan hadn't seen her laugh freely many times. He enjoyed the fact that he had been the one who made her laugh like that a few times.
Some of the guys didn't understand why he tried so hard to spend time with her. Most of the times she refused. He couldn't deny that... But whenever she refused he could see something in her eyes, something he couldn't decipher. He wanted to know what it was. Rose always showed a polite, responsible, smiley side of her and Dan knew that she had more beneath that... It wasn't her true side. At least not most of the time: she was polite and responsible and smiley. He didn't mean to say otherwise! What he meant was that she couldn't be like that all the time! That was abnormal, inhuman... Rose was human, therefore she had to have other feelings. Feelings that she deliberately chose not to show.
Truth was that she was appreciated by everyone: not liked, but not disliked neither. Her attitude towards her friends was more open than towards others and still she kept that smiley façade. «Is she like that to me, too?» This gave him something to think of but concluded that she wasn't.
«Is everything all right?» Kevin was looking straight at him. «Yeah, why shouldn't it be?» Then he crossed his arms over his chest, slouched down on the chair and furrowed his brows while pouting. After that he started glaring to the teacher. «Ah, nothing.» Was his only reply. Was he mad at Dan?... But his voice sounded like he was joking... Not angry. Dan spent a while figuring out what was wrong in this picture and then he got it. «The joke is on me.» Kevin was mimicking his pose perfectly. Dan had been so caught up in his thoughts that didn't notice that he was letting his emotions show through his posture. «Ah ah ah. Dead funny Kevin.» Said person sat up straight immediately grinning. «So you finally got it... You had some people glancing at your behavior and laugh, others just glanced and started with the gossips. On my behalf... I was counting how many different faces you made since class started. Glaring was the eighth.» Dan nudged him in the ribs in order to make him stop. «It's nothing to worry about. I was just thinking.» He said with a bit of annoyance.
Kevin was pretty bored and his attention was no longer in hydrodynamics. «What's or who's so important that got you so... Let's just say: distracted?» Dan glared at him. Kevin surely knew what he was thinking about: now and then he would drop hints like this whenever he was with Rose - who used to ignore or not listen at all; at least, pretended to do it - or something along the lines. He was one of the smartest guys Dan had ever known... In fact, he didn't know who was smarter: Kevin or Rose. He decided to play like Rose: ignore Kevin. She made this work perfectly and if he continued to talk she usually came with some witty and funny remark enough to make him laugh and drop or change the subject. «Damn! She had to be the smartest out of the two.»
Kevin's voice sounded again full of fake concern. «Did you listen? I'm waiting for an answer.»
«Ignore him.»
«You're being really mean and rude to your best friend...»
«Oh, look! A new formula... I think I've seen it before.»
«Won't you answer me, -»
«I get it. I had already wrote it down.»
«- Daniel?»
Dan snapped his head in Kevin's direction. If his eyes shot laser, Kevin would be so dead right now. Now he had showed Dan that he knew about Rose. She was the only who called Dan by his full name.
Kevin was the first one to spoke up again. «I knew it had to do with her. I don't get it! I really don't. Why are you so... So... So obsessed with Rose! She doesn't deserve half of it.»
«What? Why?» Dan looked surprise. He didn't know that Kevin was so against whatever he felt - though it wasn't obsession - for the girl. «I just like her.»
«No. You don't "just like her"! You're always talking about her, always searching for her, always inviting her to go out, always looking at her! That has to be obsession." Kevin was getting a little out of hand at the moment.
Dan stood in place wondering about everything his friend had just said. He kept quiet in order to make Kevin calm down. «If it really is like this, I'm surprised she didn't notice... Why hasn't anyone else noticed? The way Kevin talks it's almost like I'm always being drawed to her. Just like a moth to a flame.»
Kevin calmed down and talked again. «Furthermore, she doesn't care at all about you.»
«She does! I know her better than you.» Was Dan's too much heated reply, which resulted in a few faces glancing in his direction - including the teacher.
The two boys sit up straight and started whispering. «I don't doubt that. But the way I see it, you're the one who cares the most! You have lots of girls chasing after you, many are prettier than Rose.» Kevin was determined to know. «Why don't you fancy one of them? Why don't you even give them a chance?»
Dan was fuming. «Why are you so against Rose? She may not be just as pretty, but it's more than that!»
«Than what is it? Because I can't see it and, certainly, no one else can. Besides, I'm not against her, I'm her friend... I just want to understand you.» Kevin took a small pause, as if wondering what or how to say something. «I'm one of the few who noticed about you and her - even though you're so obvious, people think that you're just airheaded - and from what I see, you're always approaching her and getting to know her. I think that she likes you more than she likes the rest of us, but I don't know if it's more friendship trust, because you know each other longer, or if she's that shy about loving you.»
This bewildered Dan. Kevin had understood the whole scene so perfectly in this half of hour, when a while ago he was just wondering why he was more interested in Rose than in class.
As his friend didn't reply, Kevin continued. «I won't bother you more. I just want you to think about this: you are trying to "build" a new relationship between the two; is she trying too?» He turned his head to his notes. «I might be wrong, but you're too naïve. You trust too easily and expect the same in return. I don't want you to get disappointed because if that happened, you wouldn't be able to face Rose again and both of you are my best friends in this college.» And finished with a small laugh. «As a matter of fact, I prefer you to date Rose, than any of your fangirls!»
As Kevin became silent and turned all of his attention to the class Dan turned back his attention to the girl that had gotten him so confuse. «What if Kevin was right and she didn't return his feelings as he wished every day and night? He really was too naïve. But he also knew that she felt more about him than just friends. He knew, right?»
The class was almost over and many students had already quit pretending paying attention and left. In Dan's mind time and space didn't exist right now. Only one thing mattered. «If I am drawed to Rose like a moth to a flame, will I get burnt if I get too close to her?»
It was a bet he had to take at his own risk.
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