Lua Nova, 26 de Maio de 2009
I'm sick of this... Sick and tired of this life.
Every each day is embraced in the darkness that lies within me... The darkness that is deep inside my soul.
I've moved away everyone with the hatred, anger, sadness and pain that started consuming my spirit. I start hating everything around me, friends and family, and end up hating myself!
At school everybody gave up on me long ago... Even now, when I draw a little smile, they don't believe it... Some smile back, just for politeness, but I can see in their eyes that they despise me. They see in me nothing but a hollow shell - a person that threw away her feelings.
I really can't blame them... All my reactions when they asked if I was all right, or when they dared to help me, were condemnable. I know that but... If they were me... If they lived my life... If they knew what was going on, they would understand me!
At home is always this horrible feeling... Discussions every single day over the smallest things... That makes my will to answer them almost unbearable but I have to gather the strength to keep it inside me, in order to not instigate them... Or things would end up worse, as I've came to learn in all these years.
That anger I keep inside is what makes my hatred grow... And it's my fault to let that anger come out on the wrong person... But I can't handle this anymore! All of this has shattered my heart, so much that there isn't a single bit left over...
The only place where I can forget the present is here... My room. I'm surrounded by things that I bought or were offered in parties, when I still had friends and my family was united... They remember me times when I was happy...
However, the only similarity between my past and present is my hobby: stare out my window and watch people outside! As I live in the 6th floor, I have a wide panoramic view... I sit by the window, open it and the sounds, the wind, the sunlight, the moonlight and the rain... All comes in... Everything it's so clear in those moments, it's like all these things could purify the darkness that is inside me! Some people used to look at me, probably thinking "Is she crazy? How can she be with the window open while is raining this much?"
This place has always been the beginning of a "new" me... After the silent crying, that I hide behind the "brave girl" mask, I always closed myself in the room and then let the painful tears come out in the only place I felt safe. Then the rain would wash away my tears and made me try to live this life again.
But now I'm tired of these "second chances"! They always end up in the same way... The pain of loneliness becomes worse every time I try to start again... So that's it! This is my limit...
This time I won't sit by the window. I will stand up in front of it!
This time I won't open the window. I will break it!
This time I won't let anything come in. I will be the one who will step out!
The place where my life had always begun will be the place where it will finish...
This time I will be free... This time it will be the end!
