Moving out...

Well... I haven't updated in ages.

The truth is I got busy and sort of gave up. Sometimes I wanted to come and write, but never willed myself to go through with it. As time passed by, I didn't visit Blogger at all.
As such, I decided to move out from this blog. The texts will remain here but I also copied them to a new blog on Tumblr (if you want to see them there, this is the link http://ink-and-a-blank-page.tumblr.com) and if I restart to write, I'll only post my texts there.

It was great to be here but I'm moving out.
Bye!

Lua Nova, 13 de Novembro de 2012

"Leave me alone!" I said, maybe a little too loud.
She chase after me. "I'm sorry! I told you I pr-" I cut her off abruptly "Oh, do shut up. I know perfectly well that's a lie." She opened her mouth to retort but decided against it, so I continued. "Why did you even try to lie, you've been doing this for the past few years but this time I had enough!"
"If you were so upset, why didn't you say anything earlier?" was her answer.
"I pretended not to notice, I've been keeping my eyes closed to your atittude towards me. I'd smile and nod, sometimes thanking you for bothering... However, now I can't, and I won't! Not anymore." I was venting all out on her. "I never forgot about you, you know? There wasn't a holiday or a celebration that I wouldn't think about how you'd like this or that."
She slumped her shoulders in defeat. "I know, that's why I feel terrible..."
We kept quiet for a while: neither of us sure of what to say next.
She was the one who broke the silence. "I guess it's not the same anymore."
I looked down, avoiding to see what I've known for a while. "No, it isn't."
"I'm sorry... For everything you deem it to be."
I chuckled. "Yeah. See you around."
And so we went our separated ways.

VIDA NOVA

Lua Nova, 15 de Outubro de 2012


O fim-de-semana tinha passado rapidamente. As malas estavam arrumadas e prontas junto à porta de saída, mas ainda não acreditava no que se estava a passar.
Podia estar despachada mais cedo, mas não acreditava em tudo o que se tinha acumulado na minha vida... Nem nunca chegaria a saber o que realmente me faz falta, mas isso não tornava mais fácil a escolha do que deixarei para trás.

Tinha decidido "abandonar o ninho" e ir para um lugar a milhares de quilómetros de casa, mas era um risco que tinha aceite correr e que, não muito surpreendentemente, desejava correr. A sede de aventura, independência e liberdade gritava mais alto do que o que lhe esperava no próprio país.
A reacção dos meus pais não tinha ido muito além das minhas expectativas - sabiam que por cá não teria muita sorte - mas isso não impediu a minha desilusão.
Quando tinha começado a fazer planos do que iria precisar e não, ia revolvendo as minhas coisas... Incrível o que se encontra em 23 anos de memórias! Tantas recordações... Cada objecto me lembrava da altura em que o tinha arranjado e prolongou o que seria arrumar e levar. Não é que necessitasse de muitas dessas coisas e algumas já nem me lembrava que ainda existiam nas profundezas do meu quarto,  no entanto, não as queria deixar para trás. Um desejo infantil, como se as esquecesse, esqueceria os momentos que tinha passado com elas. Acabei por levar apenas as que sentia ter de levar, deixando outras prontas para quando regressasse.
Não me tinha de preocupar com a casa: o apartamento estava pronto a ser habitado. Tinha decidido comprar um apartamento a meias com uma colega, visto que as duas tinha recebido a resposta positiva da mesma empresa, enquanto começavam a vida num sítio completamente novo era o mais adequado ao que as esperava... Menos preocupações.

"Pai? Mãe?" chamei-os para me despedir... Não conseguia associar muito do que se passava à minha volta e mal me conseguia mexer. Acho que estava finalmente a tomar consciência da minha decisão e do que isso acarretava. Era assustador. "Tenho que me ir embora." Por favor digam qualquer coisa. Assegurem-me de que vai tudo correr bem.

A minha mãe foi a primeira a falar. "Bem... Tem que ser, não é?" Claro, como podia esperar outra coisa... Finalmente, voltei ao normal: já não me sentia assustada... De facto, já não sentia alguma coisa.
"Avisa-nos quando levantares voo." era a vez do meu pai se despedir "Liga-nos sempre quando puderes ou precisares alguma coisa, que nós tratamos logo do assunto... Agora vai lá e aproveita."
Fui ter com os dois e dei-lhes um beijo de despedida, para me ir embora... Eu pedi-lhes para não irem ao aeroporto, pois acho que seria pior para mim. Não queria mudar de ideias, mas já não tinha medo que isso acontecesse...
Tinha uma nova vida à espera.

ARE YOU STILL THERE?

Lua Nova, 16 de Setembro de 2012


She stands facing the other girl in front of her. All the other does is stare right back.
Whenever she closes her eyes, she wonders if the girl on the other side will change... only to find out that the other's still there.
She keeps staring, hoping for something she's missed since the last time she watched her - something that tells her that the girl she knew is somewhere hidden.

The hair is longer and darker, carefully styled in defined curls falling down her back. Her face is no longer round and full. Her eyes look sharper but their colour remains the same, that being the first sign that the girl is not a total stranger...
It gives her hope that there's more than what she has seen countless times. And it's true: not only that, but the freckled face still gives her an impish look. They both smile at that.

Again, she resumes her search and frown at the pose of the other girl. It's so high and mighty and yet delicate. It isn't that she dislikes, she just can't help but to be a bit disappointed.

With that last thought she turns away from the mirror, wondering if the brave, impulsive girl she once was, is still somewhere inside her, waiting for the chance to come out again.

MORE THAN WORDS

Lua Nova, 17 de Agosto de 2012

_______________________

Nothing better to do during in a sunny morning than being at a café, eating chocolate ice-cream with waffles, and working on my PC. Well... I say working but, truth be told, I'm just blogging, spending some time in online gaming, answering e-mails, updating software. Oh! And music, of course. There's not really much things to do since I'm stuck here this summer. Thank God, the owner was nice enough to let me use the Wi-Fi without paying...

"Lynn!" someone called. I sat up straight, suprised by hearing my name, and looked around. Damn it! Not him. I turned to the PC screen and adjust the headphones, wishing he would walk away. "Lynn? It's you isn't it?" he said again, only this time he was right beside me. I nodded to acknowledge his presence but not for once I tore my eyes from the screen in front of me. I kept typing like nothing had happened until- Wait! I didn't invite you to sit here! I am not amused! He tried to get me to talk... Again. "Do you remember me?" Of course I remember, «Skyscraper»... Or do you think I had answered you if I didn't? "You're Keith. We met last year during the dinner at your cousin's." was my response. My voice sounded a bit hoarse since I hadn't talked for a while now...

We didn't talked for a good five minutes or so then his voice made itself heard again. "What are you doing?" I instantly stopped just to give him a look. Are you serious? For the first time really looking at him I saw the faintest trace of a black eye, a healing scratch on his cheek, and a very blank expression on his face. What the hell have you been doing? "Downloading some programs. I'm going to need them when classes begin." was what came out of my mouth. If he was interested in the answer, he didn't show it. Why insisting on engaging a conversation to keep that look on his face? Maybe he's just worried with something else and is wasting time here... Or maybe I'm the one seeing things where they don't exist. He hummed.

Keith's phone rang. He didn't answer but his face showed displeasure. Probably he knows who's calling and chooses to not answer. It stopped short after. I was starting to welcome the confortable silence setting in - «Skyscraper» by my side stealing glances at was going on in my screen and smiling once in a while, and myself contempt in just scrolling countless pages of tutorials and information on the new software in my disk... It remembered me the first time we talked. However, the ringtone was heard again. This time he took the mobile out of his pocket and promptly rejected the incoming call. "You remember Jack." He said with a sad smile. «Mr. Jackass»? How could I forget that insuferable idiot, which you presented as your best friend? Don't tell me there's problems in paradise... It wasn't a question but I still nodded out of habit, to let people know I'm listening to them.

I was about to say something when Keith's attention turned to the phone that had started to ring again. He stood up abruptly, startling me, and tossed the phone away... The last thing I saw was the said object felling near the pond across the street. Definitely not good.

I could feel my eyes widen at the sudden sight before me. This was something I had never associated with Keith's nature, even though I didn't know the guy very well. He sat down on his seat and started grumbling something while running his fingers through his hair multiple times, and then looking at me as if challenging me to ask him... Well, ask him something. Ask him if he's alright is completely absurd since he is obviously upset. I just stared right back at him. If he wanted to say something, it was up to him. Keith was the first one giving up from our staring contest when he threw his upper body over the table almost knocking down my, now empty, plate. Okay... No talking then. Just mope around for all I care. The problem was I did care. With a sigh I looked at his slumped form: arms crossed, used as support for his head, that was facing down. Uncertain, I reached for his hand and held it. I felt him tense under my touch but didn't let go... After some time, he hold back my hand. I didn't know what had happened between the two... And it mustn't have been pretty. But maybe something for him to hold on was better than anything else I could say.

WHERE IS HOME?

Lua Nova, 19 de Julho de 2012


"Stop!" I was running towards her. She was about to get on her bike. I needed to scream louder. "I said STOP!" That made her look. When I got to her I took her hands in mine. "Please don't go..."

"But, I shouldn't... I have to go, eventually." She replied.

It was the truth. "I know, but don't go today." I softened my grip on her hands. "I can't make you stay, if you don't want to. However, if you have the tiniest hope that we can get through this, don't go... Don't make me let you go." I pleaded.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I- I don't know. I'm so confused and I need some time to figure something out." She opened her eyes and looked me straight in the eye. "I'm going to my parents' for now. They have been living there since I remember... There, everything is familiar and that is what I need now."

I was taken aback. "You know you can count on me, right?" She nodded but before she could speak I continued. "Then stay... You know better than to lie to yourself: you're not going away because you need to be somewhere familiar to you, you're going away because you want to run away from this."

I watched as tears fell from her brown eyes and pulled her to an embrace. She cried and sobbed into my chest for a while and all I could do was hush her and hold her tightly hoping that would be enough to make her feel better. When she calmed down some more she confessed between sobs. "But I'm so scared! They said that tomorrow they had the results. I'm not sure that I want to know it anymore! I've never felt more scared in my whole life!" She surrendered. "I'm lost! What do I do?"

"I'm scared too! But I'm here for you. I don't know if tomorrow everything will be alright... I can't promise you that. What I know is that our love is real. It's not a perfect love: it's a true love that will never die. Remember that!" I let go of her. "If that's what you really want, I'll drive you to your parents' house. On the other hand, if you want to stay, we'll go wherever you want and spend our time without thinking about what tomorrow will bring." I reached for her. "Whatever you choose, I'll go with you. I won't let you alone."

She wondered for a while and decided. "I knew you would." And then kissed me. We remained in silence for a few moments until she spoke again. "Home. Take me home."

DE SONHOS E CRIAÇÕES...

Lua Nova, 19 de Junho de 2012


O meu subconsciente tem as maneiras mais esquisitas de associar informação e transformá-la em sonhos. Muitas vezes são coisas sem sentido, mas percebo (ou acho que sim) cada pormenor inserido.
No entanto, há um que nunca percebi.
Dizem que o cérebro tem a capacidade de recordar milhares de caras. Mesmo que não o saibas conscientemente, caras desconhecidas que tomam lugar nos teus sonhos pertencem a pessoas que provavelmente viste uma única vez há anos atrás. Dizem que sim...
Eu normalmente sonho com caras conhecidas e as desconhecidas costumam estar cheias de sombras, nunca bem definidas... O que tem a sua lógica, para mim pelo menos.

~~~~

No outro dia sonhei que estava no meio de uma rua. Pessoas passavam por mim como se tudo estivesse normal, como se fosse normal as pessoas andarem por aí com asas a saírem-lhes das costas.
Talvez seja normal. Olhei em volta e apercebi-me de que elas não faziam a mínima ideia de que tinham asas. As asas eram todas diferentes... Cores diferentes, tamanhos diferentes, aspectos diferentes. Neat! Lembrei-me de olhar para o meu reflexo na montra de uma loja, curiosa para ver como seriam as minhas, mas o entusiasmo acabou rapidamente: as minhas costas estavam normais.
Pus-me a andar, para ver até onde é que a rua ia dar. O tamanho das asas dela não é o «correcto»! Mal tinha dado por isso, vi que a rapariga não era a única com uma envergadura desproporcional ao corpo. Nem todas eram bonitas. Na verdade, algumas pareciam bastante mal tratadas. Com pena, lembrei-me do meu reflexo... Tão vazio.
Vazio. Dei por mim e a rua esvaziou. Ninguém estava ali para além de mim. Continua. Também não há aqui nada, mais vale continuares. Segui a rua. Quanto mais andava, menos havia. Os edifícios diminuíam em tamanho e em número até que fui dar a um armário. Bem... Não é um simples armário. Todo requintado. Ébano(?) com pedras de diferentes cores a reluzir. Madeira retalhada. E fechado à chave. Seriously? Parece que o objectivo deste sonho é deixar-me frustrada... Bem com uma fechadura assim, a chave devia ser uma maravilha e, por isso, fácil de encontrar. Devia, não devia? À excepção de este sítio estar vazio. Andei à volta daquele móvel misterioso à procura de um sítio onde pudessem esconder a chave, mas quando olhei por baixo reparei num par de sapatos que estava do outro lado.
Esqueci a chave e fui ver quem estava detrás do armário. "Tu?"
"Precisas de ajuda?"

~~~~

Há um rapaz que não conheço. Claro, que deve ser uma das caras desconhecidas? Mas então, porque é que é o único que consigo ver claramente? Porque é que é o único que não faz aquilo que quero?

Em todos os sonhos, eu sou capaz de controlar o que acontece. Se já tive aquele sonho, posso facilmente alterá-lo ou então pará-lo por completo e escolher outro. Consigo controlar facilmente as acções de todos com quem sonho, se me apetecer... Se não, agem apenas como eu esperaria que agissem, como lhes é normal.

Mas ele não.

~~~~

Voltei para a frente do armário. Desaparece. Ele surgiu atrás de mim em poucos segundos.

Fechei os olhos e massajei a cabeça. Desaparece, desaparece, desaparece.

"Está tudo bem?"

Suspirei. Não valia a pena. "Kind of. Não encontro a chave para abrir o armário."

Arranjou os óculos e apontou para mim. "Como a que tens ao pescoço?"

"Eu não--" You can kill me now. "Sim. Obrigada." Devia estar vermelha até às orelhas... Mesmo assim virei-me para ele. Tinha que lhe perguntar sobre uma coisa que me estava a chatear. "Porque é que estás a usar óculos?"

"Eu uso óculos."

"Da última vez que te vi, não tinhas."

"Estava com lentes." Sorriu.

Eu não estava a sorrir. Virei-me para a porta, tirei a chave de volta do pescoço e comecei a abrir o armário. Ao menos tinha razão numa coisa: a chave era linda. Quando a abri a porta a única coisa que lá estava era um espelho.

"Para que querias abrir o armário?" Ele tinha-se aproximado e estava mesmo atrás de mim. "O que é que está lá dentro?"

"Não te apoies na minha cabeça!" Impressão minha ou ele estava a divertir-se imenso? "E o que é que te interessa? Não tens nada para fazer?"

Afastou-se um bocado e subiu as mãos numa posição defensiva. "Não te preocupes comigo."

~~~~

Quando o vi pela primeira vez estava numa espécie de laboratório de investigação. Nada de Química ou parecido... Investigação das minhas memórias. Era literalmente «a walk down the memory lane»! Objectos, fotografias, nuvens com a memória a decorrer infinitamente e pessoas que fui conhecendo ao longo dos anos. À medida que ia passando por elas tirava-as da sua prisão de vidro, o que não foi lá muito brilhante... Começaram a soar alarmes por todo o lado e segundo uma voz robótica, dentro de pouco tempo haveria guardas atrás de nós.

Comecei a correr com o grupo que tinha libertado. Corredor, atrás de corredor: tudo parecia igual.

Depois passei por uma sala em que ainda não tinha estado e, no meio de várias fotos que nunca cheguei a ver, estava um rapaz. Um pouco mais alto do que eu, olhos castanho escuro, cabelo curto, ruivo acobreado e ondulado. Tinha um casaco de capuz, calças de ganga e ténis, com as calças para dentro. Ele estava a ver uma daquelas nuvenzinhas... As sirenes não pareciam incomodá-lo. Tinha que o avisar. "Err... Olha! É melhor saíres daqui."

Ele voltou-se. "Hum? Ah! Não te preocupes comigo." E sorriu.

Eu decidi que era melhor ir-me embora.

~~~~

Olhei para o espelho a tentar perceber o que fazer a seguir.

"Ei, estás mais baixa!" Constatou ele divertido.

Não me dei ao trabalho de desviar o olhar. Conseguia ver o reflexo dele no espelho. "Não. Tu é que estás mais alto." Ele estava mais alto, com o cabelo um pouco mais escuro (mas mantendo o ruivo) e mais desalinhado, sardas visíveis na zona do nariz. Já passaram alguns anos... Voltei-me para ele. Estava de novo com calças de ganga, mas desta vez tinha um hoodie e estava-- "Descalço?"

Ele olhou para os pés e de novo para mim. "Bem, não é que sapatos façam muita falta aqui... Já para não falar que é muito mais confortável!"

"Suit yourself!" Sorri. "Se quiseres ver..." Dei-lhe espaço para se aproximar.

Ele veio imediatamente para o meu lado. "É só um espelho." Disse decepcionado.

Era a minha vez de rir. "Brilhante dedução!" Ele olhou para mim e foi-se embora para o lugar onde estava antes e sentou-se no chão. "Não me digas que vais amuar?"

"Claro que não." Disse. "Apenas não tem muita piada..."

"Bem, isto é um sonho. Logo não pode ser só um espelho." Isto pareceu interessá-lo.

"Achas?" Levantou-se. "Então o que é que faz?"

Sorri. "Não sei! Assim podemos descobrir, não é divertido?"

"Podemos?" Questionou, com os óculos à ponta do nariz.

"Se quiseres." Afastei-me do armário e fui mais para perto dele, para poder ver o espelho todo. Ficámos  a olhar para os nossos reflexos, como se a resposta aparecesse. Foi quando reparei nelas. "Asas!" Conseguia ver asas quase invisíveis nas minhas costas. Já me tinha esquecido.

"Asas?"

"Sim. Há bocado toda a gente tinha asas, menos eu." Olhei para ele. "Tu também não tens..."

"Estão escondidas."

"Hum? Como, porquê esconder as asas?"

"Também tens as tuas escondidas" Disse ele enquanto coçava a cabeça.

"Como é que sabes isso?" Estava completamente confusa.

Riu-se nervosamente. "Bem... Tu sabes. Lembra-te das asas que pertenciam a cada pessoa."

Sim, fiz isso há algum tempo. Mas revi na mesma e apercebi-me de uma coisa.

"As asas representam a maneira como vês cada pessoa." Concluiu ele.

"Então porque não vejo as minhas?" O meu reflexo dava para perceber um pouco de como seriam, mas gostava que elas fossem mais materiais.

"Porque achas?" De repente, tinha ficado muito sério. "Elas existem, mas estão sempre escondidas... Até tu ficas com dúvidas que existam."

Não estou a gostar do rumo disto. "Então e tu? Porque não vejo as tuas? Nem sequer sei quem és!"

Ele calou-se.

"Como te chamas?"

Continuou sem responder.

Pensei em acabar ali mesmo com o sonho. Mas, não queria desistir assim. Não sem saber mais alguma coisa.

"Não me conheceste." Foi a resposta dele. "Não fazes ideia de quem sou... Por isso é que não vês asas."

"Não te conheci? Então isso quer dizer que és uma criação da minha imaginação?"

Sorriu. "O passado, o presente e o futuro... Faz tudo parte da ilusão do tempo."

Tive de me deixar rir. Eternalismo. Teoria da relatividade. Física. Há algum tempo que não me lembrava disto... Tenho de lhe perguntar o quanto ele viu das minhas memórias naquele laboratório. "A Física Quântica não te assenta, «Einstein»..." Ele riu-se comigo, da alcunha. "Então estás a dizer que fazes parte do futuro? Que ainda te vou conhecer?"

"Talvez."

"Talvez..." Olhei de novo para o espelho. "Então e o teu nome?"

"Se te dissesse, tudo isto perderia a sua piada... No entanto, se quiseres, Einstein é um belo nome!"

Voltei-me outra vez para ele. "Sabes muito, sabes. Nem penses que te chamo isso." Até à próxima vez já terei arranjado um nome... Apercebi-me que tudo se estava a tornar difuso e a desvanecer. Estava a acordar.

"Parece que teremos de esperar pela próxima." Disse ele, com o que parecia alguma tristeza nos olhos.

"Não fiques assim. Se achas mesmo que o tempo é uma ilusão, a próxima vez já está a acontecer." Mas, na verdade, não sei quanto tempo será.

~~~~

Pareceu-me ainda o ouvir, mas quando dei por mim, já estava acordada. Tudo isto era apenas mais uma memória para a colecção.

YOUR CHOICE

Lua Nova, 20 de Maio de 2012


Leave me to die. Please...
I had never seen such coldness in his eyes. Every single word spoken in an emotionless tone had been enough to shock me, but the look in his eyes had destroyed any hope I could have had. He looked empty. You made your choice. Why are you still here?
"Why?" I felt like I was falling. Like there was no more ground below me and I was just falling, falling... "I, I... I was right! I thought you'd be with me on this one!"
He chuckled. But not in funny way like he uses to: it was way somber. "Really? And why the hell would you think that? Because we're friends? Don't be ridiculous: you're not my friend.
"What are you saying? Of course I am!" Is he making fun of me?
"No, you're not! All of this time I've met you, I thought we were... But in retrospective, I came to the conclusion we're not. I was your friend!" He said as cold as he has been since I arrived.
Was? "So am I!" I could feel my heart drumming loudly in my ears.
"No, you're not! All this time, you've done everything you wanted and I've been making the sacrifices to keep up with you. Not once you've sacrificed for me!"
"I don't understand. I've sa-"
"That's the point! You don't understand. You don't understand me!" He shouted at me.
I had never seen him this angry. I started to feel uneasy. "You're not making any sense." I looked him straight in the eye and kept my voice as quiet as possible.
"Because all you ever care about is reason, right? You have to rationalise everything!" He made a dramatic gesture into the air and turned to me again. "Do feelings mean anything to you? Did our friendship mean anything?"
"Yes, it does!"
"Then why did you still followed her?"
"Is this all because of that girl? She was lying to you! I had told you that... I only went after her to get you proofs." Was it that wrong? I was right since the beginning. I thought he'd be happy.
"Yes it is! I had told you to leave it alone, that it was none of your business!" The shouting began once again."Do you remember what I told you when you first came to me with your accusations?"
Of course I remembered. Stop going on about this or our friendship is over. Your choice. "I chose friendship! That's why I told you the truth about her..."
"Bullshit! You chose what you always do: to prove you're right!"
"That- that's not fair!"
"Isn't it? I was blissfully happy; enjoying my time with her and you came and destroyed it." He pointed his finger accusingly at me. "Who's the fair one?"
"It was all a lie!" I screamed back at him. "You can have all that with someone else... Did you prefer to be living a lie?"
A beat passed and he answered. "Yes."
I had no answer to that.
"I loved her more than anything else. Now, because of you it's impossible for us to be together. There always be rumours..." He really was hurting.
How could he prefer a lie "I didn't know you felt like that. But it will get better!" I motion towards him.
He stepped back. "It won't. Thanks to you! Please, leave."
"Come on! You can't be serious. I never thought you were so..."
"So what? Emotional? Irrational? Get over yourself! I'm not the one who's different from the rest." He retorted.
"What do you mean?" My voice was faltering, knowing what was about to come.
"No need to be afraid... You're a big girl now!" He said with a mocking voice mimicking a proud parent. "Big enough to go wandering around and investigating, at least. There's no need to sugarcoat it for you, nor a reason to do it. You're the one who doesn't fit the normal patterns: you're the freak!"
With that I said nothing more. I turned around and walked away. There was nothing left from our friendship.

TEMPO DE ESPERA

Lua Nova, 21 de Abril de 2012

O que é que vou fazer aqui durante uma hora? Entrei calmamente e olhei em volta. Era como se estivesse a nadar contra a corrente... Tudo a sair e eu a entrar. Já para não falar do desconforto de me sentir bastante observada.
Decidi ir para um canto junto a um elevador fora de serviço e esperar. Não teve muito bom resultado: estava tão aborrecida que nem cheguei a estar cinco minutos quieta! Só a andar de uma lado para o outro. Fará muito mal sentar-me no chão? Whatever... As pessoas já estão a olhar para mim, de uma maneira ou de outra. Acabei por me sentar, o que melhorou um pouco o meu humor, pois pude pousar o guarda-chuva encharcado que já me tinha molhado a parte debaixo das calças de andar a bater com ele nas pernas, enquanto andava de um lado para o outro à espera das 13h00. Tirei o telemóvel com esperança de encontrar alguma rede Wi-Fi (desprotegida, claro). Ya, bem posso ficar sentadinha à espera. Tirei os cadernos para ver se estudava alguma coisa, mas não me conseguia concentrar. Não consigo ficar aqui! Levantei-me e decidi ir mais para dentro do piso de entrada.
Não foi preciso ir muito longe para me afastar daqueles olhares indesejáveis. E já não era sem tempo... Um "hall" de espera! Muitos espaços vazios, cadeirões para me sentar e pessoas sem prestarem atenção às outras. Perfeito! Ainda não tinha acabado de pensar nisto, já me sentia um bocado arrependida da expressão que tinha utilizado... Não conseguia deixar de pensar que aquela expressão não pertencia ali.
Fui para a fila de cadeiras mais vazia e sentei-me na cadeira mais perto da janela. Ainda está a chover... E eu ainda vou ter de esperar mais de meia hora. Pode ser que a reunião acabe mais cedo. Também pode acabar mais tarde. Continuei no meu mundo a olhar para fora da janela, a pensar quanto tempo tinha de ali estar, até ouvir os risos de uma miúda que estava seis filas de cadeiras à minha frente e que não parava de chamar a mãe por uma razão que me era desconhecida. A mãe, que estava fixada no telemóvel, olhava para ela, sorria, dizia qualquer coisa ininteligível e voltava a sua atenção para o telemóvel. Na fila de costas para mim, estava um homem de fato e gravata, a conversar alegremente com quem quer que seja que lhe tenha telefonado (na minha opinião, um colega). Mas ao menos podia não falar tão alto.
Neste tempo em que andava a ouvir o que estava à minha volta (não quero andar para aí especada a olhar para o  que as pessoas fazem, visto que o mesmo me incomoda), tinha tirado um caderno e começado a desenhar, para passar o tempo. E também para me desviar a atenção de que definitivamente não pertencia ali. Foi uma das vezes em que levantei a cabeça para ver as horas... Só mais 15 minutos, no mínimo! Também reparei numa senhora, idosa, cabelo branco e curto, demasiado magra, óculos redondos e demasiado grandes para a cara alongada dela. Está doente, ou esteve, pelo menos... A roupa estava-lhe muito larga, embora nenhum lhe ficasse curta em corpo, braços ou pernas. Logo, a roupa é, muito provavelmente, dela. O que indica que emagreceu bastante durante a doença. E que eu ando a ver demasiado "Sherlock". Tentei continuar a desenhar, um pouco envergonhada por estar a deduzi-la, mas a mulher não me saía da cabeça. Deve ter sido uma doença grave... Cancro, talvez? Mal dei por mim, estava a olhar outra vez para a senhora. Tinha uma expressão preocupada, tal como as pessoas que a acompanhavam (filha e genro?). Se for mesmo a filha, então a senhora não deve ser tão velha como aparenta... Achei melhor ignorar aquela família, antes que fosse longe demais. O quer que se passasse é assunto deles, não meu. Voltei a fechar-me no meu mundo de desenhos e rabiscos que, tenho a certeza absoluta, não vão chegar ao fim da semana.
O problema é que a senhora estava mesmo na fila de cadeiras debaixo do relógio (que já passava das 13h00) e sempre que olhava para lá, não resistia a ver como é que ela estava. Num desses momentos, vi-a a chorar. Bolas! A mulher ao lado dela estava abraçada a ela, mas eu não lhe conseguia ver a cara. A única coisa que conseguia pensar é que lhe tinha morrido o marido... Não fazia a mínima ideia do porquê daquela família estar ali, não fazia a mínima ideia o porquê de ter pensado aquilo e até podia estar completamente errada, mas era a única ideia que tinha. E isso, fez-me sentir que sabia algo demasiado íntimo e que não tinha nada de ter conhecimento disso. Especialmente, quando a senhora levanta a cara para limpar os olhos.
Nesse momento, baixei a cabeça na direcção do meu caderno. Porquê?... Porquê, porquê, porquê?! Damn it! Não devia ter vindo para aqui! Devia ter ficado à chuva, ao menos não me sentia... Não me sentia como? Como se tivesse invadido a privacidade de alguém! Tinha ido longe demais. Felizmente, não fiz nada para além de pensar. Sei que muitas vezes vou longe demais, especialmente quando o quero fazer. Mas agora... Foi sem querer, puro aborrecimento... A expressão dela tinha me prendido desde o início por demonstrar tanta emoção, enquanto eu controlo quase sempre as expressões que demonstro. Quem me dera poder ir embora...
"Estás pronta?" Ouvi de repente. Finalmente.
"Sim, pai." Arrumei tudo, peguei no guarda-chuva e levantei-me para o cumprimentar. Segui-o em direcção à saída, passando pela senhora idosa, agora mais calma. Desculpa. Disse-o mentalmente, embora sabendo que ela nunca reparou em mim (tal como não repara agora), porque achei que tinha passado das marcas.
Provavelmente, nunca mais a irei ver... Mesmo assim, espero que tudo melhore.

ESPERANÇA

Lua Nova, 22 de Março de 2012


Há anos que faço isto e algo que não esperava era aproximar-me de um deles. Uma rapariga tão adulta que parecia carregar o peso do mundo nos ombros. Pobre rapariga.
Os olhos escuros, atentos a tudo, escondiam a sua inteligência e perspicácia. A sua postura demonstrava a coragem que a tinha trazido até ali, em nome do sacrifício mais nobre que se pode fazer... Por amor.
Sentia uma certa honra por ali estar e a poder conhecer. Ofereci-lhe a minha amizade sincera e ajudei-a em tudo o que pude. Ao se aproximar o dia D, convencia-me de que talvez ela conseguisse, embora soubesse que as hipóteses eram muito remotas ela tinha um espírito lutador e não iria abaixo facilmente.
Quando a altura chegou, não haveria mais nada que pudesse fazer por ela... Tudo dependia dela. Antes de nos separarmos do que poderia ser para sempre, abracei-a e disse-lhe que tudo iria acabar e só poderia esperar pelo melhor.
Olhei para ela, mas a atitude calma que me era familiar tinha sido substituída por medo puro. O terror espelhava-se no rosto... Era como ver um animal assustado, preso numa jaula, à espera do horrível destino que o aguardava.
Tinha que a deixar ir. Assegurei-lhe mais uma vez de que confiava nela e despedi-me.
Enquanto a via desaparecer, lembrava-me do pouco tempo que passei com ela.
Ela é capaz. Espero que consiga ultrapassar isto.

\~. * .~/

Ela conseguiu... Ela venceu.

IF I DIE YOUNG

Lua Nova, 21 de Fevereiro de 2012

I was never one to think too much about the future... The here and now is what matters.
However, things happen and get you to think about your future. I started to wonder about my own death.
If I were to die today, I wouldn't get to do so many things that I always thought I had time to do later but that, after all, I hadn't. Too much I'd still want to try, so many places that I had want to travel to.
How many people would attend my funeral? What would they feel? These weren't questions that bothered me... No matter who died, how they died and who would miss them, life goes on sooner or later. We're only a small part of something bigger. One out of billions. The world doesn't stop turning for a person. There won't be only rain and grey skies ahead...
What bothers me is what I'd miss. I'd never have a chance to know how I'd turn out. I wouldn't make it to my birthday. I'd miss my chance at love.
I'd miss my chance at love... Never got to knew someone who loved me. That bothers me. What eveyone's looking forward to, I'd postponed. Everyone who told me they loved me, I'd dismissed them, without a second thought... I wasn't interested in them. They didn't even knew me. So I just kept on living, moving forward.
However, there is one person. Someone who's there for me, someone I can always rely on... I'm told he loves me and I dismiss it: not important. But if I were to die, would it be important? Would I want that person by my side to tell me that? Surprinsingly, yes...
That's why I couldn't keep myself from thinking about dying... Because I want you to know that if I die young, I have never loved anyone but you are the person I came the closest to love.

Lua Nova, 23 de Janeiro de 2012

Hoje, não tive aquela inspiração para escrever, mas sim desenhar. Rascunhei várias ideias para o que queria desenhar e tudo à volta do mesmo tema: "Reichenbach Falls".
Mas não consegui fazer nada do que tinha em mente... Por isso nada por hoje!

WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN

Lua Nova, 24 de Dezembro de 2011


I wouldn't say I was very different from other people... Honest!
But I'd never say I was like them, either.
Who knew me would call me clever, proud and active. Those who didn't knew me saw a impetuous, obstinate, spoiled child. I'd say I was both. Apparently, I was always what people didn't want me to be. So, since a young age, I started not caring about their opinion: mine was the only one that mattered.

I was given endless opportunities... Such a wide range of futures for me. I had something that others, who weren't as (un)fortunate as me, didn't: wealth.
People say that money isn't the most important thing in one's life... But the truth is that it is one of them. It opens lots of doors... And people know that if they're nice to people with money, something will be given in return. No matter what.
That factor was very convenient in everything I was a part of... Lots of benefits for being so wealthy. That's why I started hiding my life and my history. It wasn't fair. And I absolutely hated that people thought that I would never do the same things on my own!

It was harsher in the begining, that simple questions or requests or right-down refused. But easily I proved wrong everyone who questioned my method of living. Always around me, staring at me as if I had grown a 2nd head... Those pityful, superior, hateful looks, made me want to die of shame for belonging to such a prejudiced circle! They didn't understand that the world wasn't the shiny place they were used to live, where everything seemed to be touched by the sun... Society didn't work that way. Most people live in the real word where sun shines once in a while and where the moon is their companion through the dark-pitched night.
That world showed me everything I should've known, if for some wicked twist of fate I were to belong there...
They didn't have what I had, but they were much more free than me and that... That was what atracted me more.

I was given endless opportunities... All of them promising future where the sun shines everyday.
I could have everything. And I could belong to the night.

ALGUÉM

Lua Nova, 25 de Novembro de 2011

Todos os dias passo por sítios cheios de gente e sinto-me cada vez mais só. Olho para elas sem me preocupar em esconder que estou a olhar. Na verdade, estou só a observar e a estudar - perfis, expressões, comportamentos, etc.
De manhã, não há grandes problemas porque a maioria parece pensar mais em como seria estar a dormir, ou como será o resto do dia, do que reparar em mim.
A partir da hora de almoço, a história é outra. O sono já era e as pessoas estão bem acordadas e dispostas a reparar em tudo e mais alguma coisa. Incluindo eu. Também parece que estão muito mais dispostas a falar e isso sim: dá-me cabo dos nervos. Quero estar calmamente a observar, mas há demasiado barulho e acabo sempre por tentar afastar-me o mais possível de tudo o que implique contacto com outro ser humano. Tentar abster um mundo tão barulhento não é fácil e nem sempre resulta. Quando volto a olhar, parece que todos estão a tentar fazer o mesmo, não parando de olhar - se bem que às vezes tentem disfarçar ao olhar para outra coisa que esteja no mesmo plano de visão - e quando os apanho, o que recebo é um olhar de desprezo ou do tipo "Que esquisita!".
Será que por me manter séria e calada, apenas preocupada em manter-me no meu lugar sem chatear ninguém, transmito um ar altivo, arrogante e de "Quero lá saber dos outros. Eu sou a melhor."? Eu acho que não! Acho... Mas também não me preocupa o que outros pensam de mim. Apenas agradecia que não o demonstrassem tão abertamente.
Enquanto estudo o que fazem e como agem, inadvertidamente comparo-os comigo e penso em como o meu comportamento é um outlier no geral do que observo. Falta-me alguém. Alguém com quem falar, com quem trocar mensagens, alguém com quem estar. Não tenho ninguém.
Porquê? Talvez não seja importante. Mas porque não ter alguém que me acompanhe e me apoie? Alguém com quem falar não seja difícil e confuso? Alguém...

FOR A CHANGE

Lua Nova, 26 de Outubro de 2011


Lies after lies after more damned lies. It's just something I got used to... I'm not even surprised at that anymore! What surprises me is my stupidity! What made me believe this time would be any different?
All I want is to disappear somewhere I'll never see you again...
Who am I kidding? I'm not even finished thinking and I already know it's not the truth. You're not the problem: I am.
Since long ago that I'm aware that human beings are flawed creatures. Life turns them that way.
They mimic what they see, learn what works for them and what doesn't and finally achieve to get better. Lying - I came to learn - is one of their favorite subjects to learn. It allows them to stand out more or to lay lower than the rest... I, as one of them, also learned and perfected this "science" to use it as a shield.
It works perfectly for my purposes: keeping everyone out and be accepted by the norms of society. However, there are people who I let in... After analysing them over and over again to make sure I don't get hurt I stop the lies and show them my true face - I'm never wrong about them.
I learn to enjoy the truth from them but the rest of the world is still so full of lies. My friends tell me that it isn't as bad as I paint it and that I should do the same thing I did with them and let others know my real self... Who'd know if I wouldn't be surprised? No, I'm not. It's as I always expect - more lies!
Am I asking too much? To not be surrounded with people filling your mind with endless rubbish all while you just nod and smile, pretending that everything is okay even though it's not?
I want so bad to be wrong, but I'm not. I want to believe that if I don't lie, I'm not lied too.
I want someone that doesn't lie to me and that won't ever do.
I just want someone I can trust for a change.

PHOTOGRAPH

Lua Nova, 27 de Setembro de 2011


Here I was hiding behind a tree, as childish as it can get.
When I got the news I couldn't believe it: it just wasn't possible... I refused any kind of human contact and locked myself at home. I refused to come here today, I told myself thousands of times and repeated it a few more, just in case. However it made no difference or what so ever. Before I even realized it, I was getting dressed and walking out of the apartment.
I checked my wallet, looking for a specific item, probably hid in there for God-knows-how-long! It was still there. I shoved the wallet in my pocket again as I started walking there. By this time, it had already started and if I was lucky, it was over before I reached the place.
But I wasn't lucky. If I was, this wouldn't have happened to me but to someone else. I know it's selfish but right now I can't find the will in me to care about it.
That's how I got to this point: hidden... Behind a tree. Seriously, how ridiculous am I?
Some people already noticed me. Her family, to be exact. Their faces flushed and wet from crying. I want to cry too, but that would draw attention to someone hiding behind a tree instead of join the rest of them and that's not something I want. It's her ceremony; it's her moment to be noticed. Though I know that she would never want to be in the spotlight if there was any other way... Even so people noticed her.
Her sister is completely heartbroken and as she looks in my direction her crying and sobbing intensifies and she looks away and hides her face. Her parents' stare is only focused in what is in front of them: they should be proud of their daughter. There are a lot of people around them: some I know, others I recognize and the rest are completely unfamiliar faces to me... But she knew them. I never imagined that she would have this many people who liked and cared about her.
In one of our conversations I remember she said that no one really knew her, but I was probably one of the few who knew her the best. I laughed that time, because I didn't understand how she could say that when there were people whom she talked more and knew her for more years than I did. Still she assured me that I knew her better than them. She laughed and said nothing more.
Today as I see these people talking I understand it. They try to talk about her but there are many gaps in her personality that they don't realize. But I do. I really knew her better than the great majority of the people here.
A few more minutes and they'll be gone. Sad or not they still have to go on. That's when I'll come out from my hiding place...
The crowd starts to vanish and pay their homage. I wait a bit longer, afraid of what I'm about to see. I approach the new tomb in here and read your name, the touching words engraved and the time line where you lived. I guess this makes it official: you're really gone! This makes my chest hurts like someone was crushing it. Lonely tears start rolling down my face and my throat is suddenly unable to create any sound. You know, since you died I can't sleep without dreaming of you. And as a result of that I wake up in tears... Just your memory isn't enough for me. I need you! And I haven't realized that until now... I had taken you for granted, that you'd always be there no matter what, just like you had until there. But now... Now it's like a part of me died along with you.
I didn't even want to come, in order to ignore this stupid reality and not accepting this. But I couldn't stop thinking about it either and came to the conclusion that you'd be certainly pissed off and disappointed at me if I didn't come... And that I couldn't live with: I'd end up regretting it.
I reached once again for my wallet and took those four snapshots we took on our trip, after you drag me into a photo boot. Each of us had a copy so we could always remember one another. After you're gone your family sent me a few things assuming that being one of her best friends. Most of it were gifts we exchanged along the years and pictures of us together. When I saw your copy of these snapshots I was confused: the last one was missing... My personal favorite, mind you. I continued to take a trip along that memory lane which were your things. When I got to the music box I had offered in one of your birthdays I remembered you told me that it was the best birthday present you had ever got and that you listened to it every night... That's why I was surprised, in a good way of course, that inside of it was the last snapshot. The last thing you saw at night and the first thing when you woke up was our photograph. The first three of the set were us joking around but in this last I had pulled you into a kiss and that moment had been recorded forever.
I decided to stay with your set, but I still want you to have something as a remembrance... So I decided to give you mine. I know you'd be embarrassed if this was shown so I'll tape it to the space between the two stones. Where people can't see it. But we both know it'll be there.
And now, that it's all done... The only thing I feel is this need to cry my eyes out and I can't stop it anymore.

E SE... ?

Lua Nova, 29 de Agosto de 2011


Porque é que nunca estás contente? Num momento, está tudo bem. No outro, encontras todas as razões para estares sem me falares.
Não consigo perceber como é que funcionas ou porque fazes isto: tentas de tudo para me zangar contigo e atirares as culpas para cima de mim. O problema é que não consegues, pois a culpa é tua... E sabes disso.
Não queres falar, tudo bem. Mas eu também sou demasiado orgulhosa para dar o primeiro passo. Tão parecida contigo e não me entendes... Não precisas de me explicar essa parte. Queres mais atenção, queres que reparem em ti... Precisas de todas as pessoas a olharem para ti, para sentires que as pessoas te vêem. Te vejam: a ti e não a sombra de alguém! E eu sou a pessoa mais próxima para te vingares.
Enquanto manténs esse "espectáculo", eu odeio-me, mal-digo o meu orgulho e sofro o quanto tempo estou separada de ti a fingir que desapareceste da face da Terra e tu fazes o mesmo em relação a mim... Estou sempre a pensar no que poderíamos estar a fazer, divertir-me contigo... Até implicar contigo. Não há um momento em que não pense em ti: és a única pessoa sem a qual não imagino viver.
Isto destrói-me... Principalmente, quando penso "E se amanhã já não tiver a oportunidade de me rir contigo? E se nunca mais tiver a oportunidade de ser eu a dizer «Desculpa.» só para acabar com esta zanga? E se esta ira for a última coisa que sentes por mim?" Pensamentos mórbidos, mas que só preocupam quando não falas comigo.
E quando tudo passa, voltamos ao mesmo. Embora não admitas, eu sei que sentiste saudades. Tiras-me este peso da minha consciência... E estou outra vez ao pé de ti. Tens toda a minha atenção e tudo o que peço em troca é um pouco da tua.
Destas vezes só penso "E se nunca mais tivéssemos de nos zangar? E se ficasses assim, sempre ao meu lado? Não seria fantástico?"

LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME

Lua Nova, 30 de Junho de 2011


His eyes followed Rose's every movement on her seat, two rows below his own. It had become like this for a while now, but he couldn't make up his mind about the "when"... Today, last week or last month? Dan wasn't sure: all he knew was that this has been up for at least one hour now. And he had exactly... «One hour and 24 minutes left until the class is over.»
If he had been like this on the other classes, then it was explained why all he remembered, mostly on Physics, was where Rose sat, how she had done her hair, whom she sat next to and - if it was the case, when he was the one who sat beside her - what she talked about and how she was able to still pay attention to what was being taught.
He knew her for five years now... Though he wasn't sure of what he felt about Rose, he was certain that she was more than a friend to him. Was it because of how she acted more spontaneous around him? Dan hadn't seen her laugh freely many times. He enjoyed the fact that he had been the one who made her laugh like that a few times.
Some of the guys didn't understand why he tried so hard to spend time with her. Most of the times she refused. He couldn't deny that... But whenever she refused he could see something in her eyes, something he couldn't decipher. He wanted to know what it was. Rose always showed a polite, responsible, smiley side of her and Dan knew that she had more beneath that... It wasn't her true side. At least not most of the time: she was polite and responsible and smiley. He didn't mean to say otherwise! What he meant was that she couldn't be like that all the time! That was abnormal, inhuman... Rose was human, therefore she had to have other feelings. Feelings that she deliberately chose not to show.
Truth was that she was appreciated by everyone: not liked, but not disliked neither. Her attitude towards her friends was more open than towards others and still she kept that smiley façade. «Is she like that to me, too?» This gave him something to think of but concluded that she wasn't.
«Is everything all right?» Kevin was looking straight at him. «Yeah, why shouldn't it be?» Then he crossed his arms over his chest, slouched down on the chair and furrowed his brows while pouting. After that he started glaring to the teacher. «Ah, nothing.» Was his only reply. Was he mad at Dan?... But his voice sounded like he was joking... Not angry. Dan spent a while figuring out what was wrong in this picture and then he got it. «The joke is on me.» Kevin was mimicking his pose perfectly. Dan had been so caught up in his thoughts that didn't notice that he was letting his emotions show through his posture. «Ah ah ah. Dead funny Kevin.» Said person sat up straight immediately grinning. «So you finally got it... You had some people glancing at your behavior and laugh, others just glanced and started with the gossips. On my behalf... I was counting how many different faces you made since class started. Glaring was the eighth.» Dan nudged him in the ribs in order to make him stop. «It's nothing to worry about. I was just thinking.» He said with a bit of annoyance.
Kevin was pretty bored and his attention was no longer in hydrodynamics. «What's or who's so important that got you so... Let's just say: distracted?» Dan glared at him. Kevin surely knew what he was thinking about: now and then he would drop hints like this whenever he was with Rose - who used to ignore or not listen at all; at least, pretended to do it - or something along the lines. He was one of the smartest guys Dan had ever known... In fact, he didn't know who was smarter: Kevin or Rose. He decided to play like Rose: ignore Kevin. She made this work perfectly and if he continued to talk she usually came with some witty and funny remark enough to make him laugh and drop or change the subject. «Damn! She had to be the smartest out of the two.»
Kevin's voice sounded again full of fake concern. «Did you listen? I'm waiting for an answer.»
«Ignore him.»
«You're being really mean and rude to your best friend...»
«Oh, look! A new formula... I think I've seen it before.»
«Won't you answer me, -»
«I get it. I had already wrote it down.»
«- Daniel?»
Dan snapped his head in Kevin's direction. If his eyes shot laser, Kevin would be so dead right now. Now he had showed Dan that he knew about Rose. She was the only who called Dan by his full name.
Kevin was the first one to spoke up again. «I knew it had to do with her. I don't get it! I really don't. Why are you so... So... So obsessed with Rose! She doesn't deserve half of it.»
«What? Why?» Dan looked surprise. He didn't know that Kevin was so against whatever he felt - though it wasn't obsession - for the girl. «I just like her.»
«No. You don't "just like her"! You're always talking about her, always searching for her, always inviting her to go out, always looking at her! That has to be obsession." Kevin was getting a little out of hand at the moment.
Dan stood in place wondering about everything his friend had just said. He kept quiet in order to make Kevin calm down. «If it really is like this, I'm surprised she didn't notice... Why hasn't anyone else noticed? The way Kevin talks it's almost like I'm always being drawed to her. Just like a moth to a flame.»
Kevin calmed down and talked again. «Furthermore, she doesn't care at all about you.»
«She does! I know her better than you.» Was Dan's too much heated reply, which resulted in a few faces glancing in his direction - including the teacher.
The two boys sit up straight and started whispering. «I don't doubt that. But the way I see it, you're the one who cares the most! You have lots of girls chasing after you, many are prettier than Rose.» Kevin was determined to know. «Why don't you fancy one of them? Why don't you even give them a chance?»
Dan was fuming. «Why are you so against Rose? She may not be just as pretty, but it's more than that!»
«Than what is it? Because I can't see it and, certainly, no one else can. Besides, I'm not against her, I'm her friend... I just want to understand you.» Kevin took a small pause, as if wondering what or how to say something. «I'm one of the few who noticed about you and her - even though you're so obvious, people think that you're just airheaded - and from what I see, you're always approaching her and getting to know her. I think that she likes you more than she likes the rest of us, but I don't know if it's more friendship trust, because you know each other longer, or if she's that shy about loving you.»
This bewildered Dan. Kevin had understood the whole scene so perfectly in this half of hour, when a while ago he was just wondering why he was more interested in Rose than in class.
As his friend didn't reply, Kevin continued. «I won't bother you more. I just want you to think about this: you are trying to "build" a new relationship between the two; is she trying too?» He turned his head to his notes. «I might be wrong, but you're too naïve. You trust too easily and expect the same in return. I don't want you to get disappointed because if that happened, you wouldn't be able to face Rose again and both of you are my best friends in this college.» And finished with a small laugh. «As a matter of fact, I prefer you to date Rose, than any of your fangirls!»
As Kevin became silent and turned all of his attention to the class Dan turned back his attention to the girl that had gotten him so confuse. «What if Kevin was right and she didn't return his feelings as he wished every day and night? He really was too naïve. But he also knew that she felt more about him than just friends. He knew, right?»
The class was almost over and many students had already quit pretending paying attention and left. In Dan's mind time and space didn't exist right now. Only one thing mattered. «If I am drawed to Rose like a moth to a flame, will I get burnt if I get too close to her?»
It was a bet he had to take at his own risk.

CRASH AND BURN

Wow, este mês tem duas luas novas... o.O
Who cares? A Universidade não está cá para se meter no caminho >:) *Muahahah*

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Lua Nova, 01 de Julho de 2011


How did she get to that point? A little group had gathered around them but the great majority was still doing whatever they were doing before the argument started.
"You wouldn't dare..." The 10-year-old boy who had picked a fight with her thought she was bluffing?
She was screaming at him and he still didn't get that she wanted him far away, as soon as possible! She was sick of him and his knows-it-all act.
Two of the other girls around her were saying something about let him be... That it wasn't worth it and the teachers might see.
Beating him up would definitely be something worth it. This simple thought made her smile. She tightened the grip around the object in her right hand.
The guy was still in his place. She decided to explain it so he could understand that she wasn't kidding in any way. "Try me. Say anything else and the next thing you'll feel is this racket hitting you square in the face." As walking in his direction she raised her arm, which makes him take a step back.
The group started to get agitated. "Wait, you're going too far." The basement/gym was as loud as ever with the other 4th graders and underclass graders.
She turned to them. "He was the one who started it! I can't take more of it!"
The boy was trying hard not to move and stayed there. From an outsider point of view, it would have been a very intense glaring contest between the two of them.
"He's like that because no one cares about him. He has no friends or what-so-ever." Someone said.
Her mind was working miles an hour. Every thought in her head was passing at light speed. What do I do now? If he was someone else everything I had already said would have been more than enough to send him away and never put sight on him again... But he had nerve. Lots and lots of it! Even though she was burning inside with rage she let her arm down inhaled a sharp breath. "Can you just leave me alone?" Was all that she asked. Then she turned away... Along with her, the group started to disband and going to her... Maybe just in case she changed her mind.
A voice behind her spoke up. "You're just afraid, aren't you?"
That's it. She turned around in the boy's direction and walked swiftly to him. As she started to raise the racket he closed his eyes. Why? Didn't he say she was bluffing? She swung it backwards with all her might...

Suddenly it got incredibly quiet. Except for the cries. Only they didn't come from the guy in front of her. She was sure she still hadn't swung it forward but it had hit something. She looked at the brunette: his face was in shock. With eyes wide open she looked back. One of the girls that earlier told her to stop was bleeding from the nose. Her lips moved faster than her mind processing what had happened. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She kept on crying. The teachers came and started taking care of her. "It was me! I hitted her with the racket... But it was an accident!" Now, she was almost on the verge of tears too. They tried to tranquilize both her and crying girl. Her nose wasn't broken and just after a good while she stopped crying and calmed down. The teachers left and things became normal again. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Just stop this... We don't want you in trouble." Was all that she said after going to the bathroom to wash her face.
All the anger had been turned into worry and shock. It was all because of him. She turned to him. He was still there watching her every movement. "It's all your fault, you know? I wanted to hit you." He remained silent. "Why do you keep pestering me?"
"I'm sorry." An answer at last. "You're the only one who still notices me."
She stared right back at him. "That's your fault too." She lowered her head wondering why was he still wanting to talk to her... She had been about to hit him. Probably more than one time... "The way you behave... It's like you're trying to make fun of others."
"I'm just trying to make friends."
"Well, it's not working." She looked up angrily. "You're doing it the wrong way. We don't care if you just moved here, if you have been in other schools, if you you're old classmates all adored you..."
"Now you're being ridiculous."
Is he smiling? "It's called sarcasm." She sighed. "I don't even know why I'm talking to you..."
He glanced to his side. "Would you be friends with me? You're the closest person to this term, at least for me... I promise you that I won't do anymore of the things that you said before."
It's not like getting angry at each other is doing any good. She remembered her hurt friend. "Boasting? It's better if you won't." Would it be too bad? Friends... "I'll think it over. But not today, I'm not feeling very well."
He lowered his head in acceptance. "Me neither." And with that he turned away.
"Maybe tomorrow." She said loud enough for him to hear. "Let's talk on the first break."
He stopped but didn't turn. "Maybe..." It was hard to perceive but she could almost imagine him smiling.
And with that she went to her injured friend making sure she was alright...

FRIENDSHIP

Lua Nova, 01 de Junho de 2011


How did it turn out like this? Why does it always turn out like this?
Since I can remember I've been screwing up my whole life: school, jobs and... friends? I never had friend. At least 'till a few days. The only ones who'd stand me were the old man and spotty-four-eyes. They stood my childish tantrums, fights that I got into and always cared for me. Even so, I was alone! No one would get near me. They called me "demon". I knew I was different from the very start but... I'm not a demon! The old geezer shoul've told me the truth earlier... After all, I am one!
After his death, when my brother and I got to enter this place, I'd made my mind to change to a whole new person: I'd be "good". I hadn't got in a single fight for months! And I've been trying to study.
During this last examination we worked together. I've been protecting them: the only ones who had coped with me without hating me. As if we wouldn't help you out!
It felt... Really, really good. Don't forget you have friends! Being surrounded by friends was a cool feeling.
However, I was able to ruin it all. Why... The hell is Satan's kid here in the Academy!? From friend to foe in less than 12 hours... I really am something aren't I?
The look they gave me the following days, their atittude and so on: fear and disgust mixed together.
I'll make sure to show them that I'm not a beast, that I'm not Satan's son (even though I am... biologically speaking). I'm an exorcist... No I'm the exorcist who'll kick Satan's ass and become the best Paladin that the world has ever seen.
But before... I'll make up with my friends. We'll be together again and have a great time very soon!
I'll use my power to protect those who care for me.
Just watch me old man... You can't miss a thing.


Ao no Exorcist (c) Katou Kazue. This is just fan-art.