DIA DOS NAMORADOS

Lua Nova, 14 de Fevereiro de 2010


Apenas escrevo esta carta, porque sei que nunca a chegarás a ler e eu nunca terei a coragem de te a entregar. Por isso, esta é a única maneira de te poder dizer o que sinto.

Querido Daniel,
Andamos na mesma turma desde a primária, mas quase de certeza que não sabes disso. Nunca me falaste, ou sequer cumprimentaste... Eu até consigo perceber: és um dos rapazes mais populares e eu, nem por isso. Podia tentar Tento falar contigo, mas parece que sempre que arranjo coragem para falar, algo me impede de o fazer.
Por isso, aproveito este dia para escrever ficares a saber os meus sentimentos por ti. Todos os anos, o dia 14 de Fevereiro, Dia dos Namorados, é considerado um dos dias mais felizes do ano. Um dia para os apaixonados poderem dar largas à sua imaginação para surpreender e mostrar o que sentem quão forte é o seu amor pela outra pessoa. Um dia em que o amor é celebrado por todos quase todos. No entanto, será que alguém se lembra daquelas pessoas, como eu, que não têm ninguém a quem declarar o seu amor ou não o podem/conseguem fazer? Claro que não. Alguém imagina o quanto este dia faz sofrer essas pessoas? Não basta que durante o resto do ano não tenham alguém que amem e que sejam amadas, mas também criaram um dia que possam os relembra o quão falhados miseráveis são.
Mas eu não consigo sofrer mais. Preciso Tenho de desabafar de alguma maneira, por isso é que estou a escrever isto.
Sem mais demoras,

Daniel, eu AMO-TE.

Pronto. Está dito escrito.
Por alguma razão, sinto-me mais aliviada, mas mesmo assim continuo a sofrer e vou continuar até poder dizer isto cara-à-cara... E tu retribuires os meus sentimentos, claro.

Amo-te e amar-te-ei sempre,

S. A.

SER OU NÃO SER

Lua Nova, 15 de Janeiro de 2010

Não importa o que faço ou como ajo. Por mais que me esforce, nunca valerá a pena.
Sempre tentei agradar-vos, fazer o que querem, fazer com que tenham orgulho em mim. Não é só por mim que trabalho, quando estou até de madrugada a estudar, ou que passo a maioria do meu tempo a estudar... Não! Eu também faço isto por vocês. Para que no final reconheçam que não me criaram para nada... Quero que vejam valor no que faço.
Mas isso é impossível! Porque mesmo sendo a melhor da turma, nunca estou à altura. Nunca sou a melhor para vocês.
Quando parece que consegui... Estou completamente enganada. Há sempre alguém que consegue fazer algo melhor do que eu, ou então, que eu não consigo fazer.
Porque é que nunca me aceitam como sou? Porque é que há sempre alguém que preferiam que eu fosse?
Não vos consigo perceber... Quando estão a falar com outras pessoas e os filhos delas, quase que acredito quando dizem "Temos sorte por a termos" ou "Ela não nos dás esses problemas". Mas mais tarde, já sei que o filho de um dos vossos amigos fez qualquer coisa que eu não faço.
Como podem pedir tanto de mim, quando vocês nunca se esforçaram metade do que me esforço... Nem mesmo se juntassem o esforço dos dois.
E, na minha opinião que é tantas vezes censurada, esse é o vosso... Não, o meu. Esse é o meu problema: ser melhor do que vocês.
Por isso é que sempre deitam as minhas convicções abaixo, destroem os meus sonhos, fazem pouco dos meus gostos e fazem com que tudo pelo qual me esforcei pareça que não valha nada. Mas eu garanto-vos, não há nada que possam fazer que me leve a desistir do que já consegui alcançar até agora. Não vou abrir mão de tudo o que não vos importa, mas que me irá levar para um novo capítulo na minha vida. Aí vou mostrar-vos como sou melhor que vocês e já sabem "contra factos não há argumentos".
No entanto, ainda são meus pais. Por mais que vos queira odiar, não consigo. Só vos posso dizer como lamento que não consigam ter mais amor à vossa filha do que a vós próprios. Desculpem-me por ser o que não queriam que fosse e por não ser o que querem que seja.
Espero que algum dia me consigam desculpar...

Lua Nova, 16 de Dezembro de 2009

I. Don't. Care. About. Anything.

I don't care how I look. I don't care about what I say. I don't even care if people believe what I say.

It's just... so useless to care.

Why do I have to? I know what I am. I don't need other people to tell me that...

Do I?

Still... There are so many people who do. They care about everything: words, looks, actions... All these worries so that they can be accepted. Many of them are absolutely the opposite of what they show to other people.

Such hypocrites.

Why do they try to be someone else, if they're not like that? Is it essential to them to not be judged? Like a need?

I can't believe this...

If they pretend to be other person, it's because they don't accept themselves. How do they want to be accepted by others?

So stupid.

Even so... Am I not the same?

No.

Why did I even care to think about this?

Guess I care about it, after all...

ANGEL

Lua Nova, 16 de Novembro de 2009

Angels are the messengers of God. The ones supposed to do His job. Supernatural beings that look like humans but have wings...
Everyone knows how angels look like and they simply love them for their features. I bet anyone would like to know or see one. Humans are easily astonished by their slim figure, dazzling beauty, gracious pose and, most of all, their wide, elegant, pure white wings...
All people like the wings of the angels (the possibility of flying always fascinated humans).
However with me is different. Even though I'm an angel, people try their best to not see me, to escape from me...
Why? Why do they always do that? It's not worth it and all it does is make me feel sorry for them, but I still have to do my job. God's job.
I don't understand why humans run away from me. I'm not too different from the others... We're very alike, except for my wings. Although they're wider than the others' they're not white... They're tainted by the darkest colour: black. So are my robes, hair and eyes...
All of you will see me... Ones sooner than the others, but all will.
And then, you'll run away from me. However you'll understand that no one can escape me (for some reason I've the widest wings). You just have to accept the fact that your time has come... Then let me cut the last string that cling you to this world and leave it.
As you've understood I'm no normal angel... I'm the angel that God has confided the job of taking the souls of people who die. The Angel of Death.

REFLECTION

Lua Nova, 18 de Outubro de 2009

It doesn't matter. It's always the same. Anytime I dare to open my eyes it's always there. That image which haunts me for the rest of my days.
I look into the mirror and it's there: my own distorted reflection...
I can no longer see the person I was. All I can see now is a shadow of what I used to be.
There's no longer bright yellow hair, shiny blue eyes or whatever I was. No... What I see is dull, brittle blond hair and lifeless eyes with deep, dark shadows around them.
That's to be expected. My old friends warned me, but I didn't listen to them. I thought they were just scared of trying. But no... They were right, I was wrong. They have a life, I don't.
Who knew that one experience would turn my life so fast to this degree? It's the truth... I thought I'd be able to try and leave it alone... I was wrong once again... Really wrong...
Now I'm addicted to this... There's no way around it.
All I can do now is wait.
Wait for that reflection to fade away.

SONHO

Lua Nova, 18 de Setembro de 2009

Estava a chover. A maioria das pessoas tinha-se refugiado nas suas casas, mas no cemitério encontrava-se um pequeno grupo de pessoas.
Uma rapariga tinha sido brutalmente assassinada e este era o seu funeral.
Todos sabiam deste homicídio e em todos os jornais houve fotografias do corpo da vítima mergulhado numa poça do seu próprio sangue. No entanto, os únicos presentes no funeral foram a família e um rapaz.
Quando ele apareceu, os pais da rapariga ficaram surpresos (a filha nunca tinha tido amigos), mas nada disseram e deixaram-no participar na cerimónia fúnebre.
A sua cara não apresentava qualquer emoção, mas os seus olhos mostravam o turbilhão de emoções que tentava esconder com a sua expressão rígida. Enquanto assistia ao funeral, não ouvia uma única palavra que estivesse a ser dita... Estava demasiado envolto na memória que guardou do dia em que se mudou para a nova escola.

Tinha entrado na sala e a professora indicou-lhe o lugar atrás de uma rapariga que se encontrava concentrada em algo no lado de fora da janela. Ele reparou que os olhos dela estavam desprovidos de qualquer emoção.
Mais tarde, no mesmo dia, falou com ela. Apresentaram-se e conversaram um pouco.
Ela pareceu-lhe um pouco chocada, mas ele conseguiu trazer alguma vida aos seus olhos.
No fim, despediram-se e cada um foi para casa. Ele apercebeu-se que ela não tinha muitos desejos ou sonhos que quisesse concretizar: a sua expressão mostrava isso e mais outra coisa, ao princípio não era muito evidente, mas depois o rapaz percebeu o que era: desinteresse... "Como se julgasse que nenhum sonho fosse possível concretizar e, após ter perdido todas as esperanças, se tivesse apercebido que não valia de nada sonhar."
Nos dois meses seguintes, ele tinha continuado a tentar tornar-se mais próxima dela, apesar de há muito ter reparado que ela não gostava muito de estar com outras pessoas. "Mas isso não me impede de tentar..." E, assim, continuou a manter pequenas conversas com ela.

Isso levou-o ao acontecimento de alguns dias atrás.

Quando tinha entrado na sala ela não estava no seu lugar habitual... Foi então que a professora comunicou à turma que tinha acontecido um acidente terrível... Ela tinha sido assassinada.
"Não... Não é possível... NÃO!"
Após esta notícia, houve um ruído de fundo na sala, devido à natureza da notícia, que rapidamente se silenciou. Isto incomodou-o. Como era possível não dizerem ou sentirem nada por uma colega que tinha acabado de morrer? Nem sequer estavam perturbados com o facto de ter sido assassinada.
Então nessa altura saiu da sala de aula e foi para casa...

Este último pensamento fez com que a sua máscara caísse e que as lágrimas que estava a manter encerradas nos seus olhos, fluíssem livremente. E sentiu raiva. Raiva de si por não ter tentado mais. Raiva por não lhe ter dito o que sentia por ela ou que sonhava que um dia...
"Já não interessa! Agora esse dia nunca mais iria chegar..."
No fim do funeral, foi-se embora com uma única esperança: quando morresse haveria de a encontrar.
Deste modo, continuaria a sonhar com ela.

MAYBE NEXT TIME

Lua Nova, 20 de Agosto de 2009

I looked outside and noticed that she was preparing to leave. Again...
Her family was already packing the big suitcases in the car and it was all a big mess around the house: people coming in and out.
Usually, I wouldn't notice such things but it all started five years ago... After our old neighbours left the house they bought it and start using it as a place for vacation.
However I only saw her during Christmas holidays. I was coming from the garage with the decorations and one car arrived and entered the empty house. After that, another car came and two girls left it along with their parents. From the first car left two elders, people that I come to know that were the girl's grandparents.
My first thought about the girls was that their style was completely different. And after that I tried to figure out how their characters were based on the styles of each one. The older one (at least that was what I first thought because she was taller) wore an orange blouse and a black mini-skirt (which made shivers down my spine, thinking about the cold day it was). The other one seemed a bit more aware of the weather she wore dark jeans, a purple sweater and a brown coat.
After some time all of them came to my house and presented themselves. Then I found out the girls were sisters and that the one that I thought was older, was actually the youngest (and not as tall as she seemed first) and her name was Violet. She had brown eyes, brown hair and was much tanned. She was talkative, nice and she was afraid of our dog (and all the other around the world, as her grandmother told, mush to Violet dismay).
The older one was Analisa, she was the opposite of her sister. She had amazing blue eyes, light brown hair and her skin was white as snow. To contrast even more her personality was completely different from Violet's too: she was shy, didn't spoke very much (although she smiled, really meaning it, or so her eyes showed, and blushed a lot) and spent most of the time with Ned (our dog). She really loved dogs so when I asked why she didn't had one, she blushed and said, with a somehow sad grin, that her parents didn't let her. And we both played with Ned without further talk until she went back home.
Then they come every holiday and went to their hometown whenever the school started. Although we didn't talk much, I started developing some feelings for Analisa... She was so caring and sweet but I never could find the guts to tell her how I really felt (nor to ask her number or e-mail).
This year I thought it would be easier at least ask her to go out with his friends or come to his house and spent some time together, but I never could do it... It was, I don't know... frightening?
We don't know each other very well... We only see each other during vacations! So it would be awkward to tell her how I felt about her... I mean, I couldn't tell her just like this out of the blue, right?... (Right???)
Yeah, right... But it wouldn't be really out of the blue, I know (almost for sure) that she feels something towards me too. When she (often) caught me staring at her yard, or so I try to pretend, but I think I don't do it too well because she turns to me and locks my gaze with her own, and then she smiles with all her being.
Still, I don't know whather life back at her hometown is ... I don't even know if she has a... a... boyfriend!!!
However, it doesn't really matter now... This summer is ending and so is her staying here.
She is taking her stuff with her.
They are already inside the car.
That's it.
They're ready to go...
Wait, she is... waving me (has she noticed that I've been spacing out, all this time... thinking about her?).
I can't just let her leave without say anything! I'll just open the window...
- Goodbye Analisa!
She said something I couldn't catch quite right, but it was something like "See you in Christmas!"
Maybe there's hope after all... Maybe next time I can tell her how I feel.
It's better if I close the window... it's too hot outside.
- MOM!! What do you think of... I don't know... maybe invite our neighbours over next time??

LONELINESS

Lua Nova, 22 de Julho de 2009

...

They never thought it would be like that... They never thought it would get that lonely...

They don't know each other and they never will (but that isn't important because they don't truly exist), and even so they suffer the same. They find themselves under very different circumstances... But still so alike!

One of them is closed inside a cave as dark as the night watching the time passing by, separated from the rest of the world. The other one wasn't closed in a cave but was stuck in a different world from his, always creating an invisible barrier between him and the others in order to doesn't let anyone from that strange world approaching him.

After some time in their "prisons", their spirit started to fade, so as the bright in their golden eyes... They were dying inside as they tried to accept that they wouldn't leave those places soon.

It was painful watching them: they look what was happening outside their barriers but still they weren't watching... They were only waiting for the moment they'd return to where they belong, they'd keep searching the way out of there just to taste the moment they'd be back.

No matter where they were inprisoned, their mind was always thinking about that person whose eyes were an astonishing blue, capable of control them with just one look, and whose hair was a yellow far brighter than the sun.

However, with the past of the years, both started to be assaulted with questions that scared them and drove them crazy.

Why am I here?

Why did I come back here?

When will someone let me out?

How am I going to return "my"

world and leave this one?

Who is he? The one with that

bright yellow hair...

Which exact blue were her eyes?

Will "he" come for me?

Will she wait for me?

Am I ever going to leave this place?

That was the question that they both feared the most... The thought that they'd never be hit on the head either with a paper fan or a wrench, that they wouldn't fight anymore for minor things, that they wouldn't be able to see the person they'd die for just one more time... It was terrifying!

That's why they keep on enduring those strange places, just to be alive when they'd found the way to open the chuckles that kept one of them inside the dark cave, or the Gate that kept the other one in a strange world, and then they would be able to escape that loneliness and be by the side of the person they cherished the most... "That" person who was always in their thoughts.

WAITING

Lua Nova, 22 de Junho de 2009

- ...
What time is it? The sun hasn't risen yet.
...
05:00 A.M.?!!
"How did I manage to wake up so early?... Ah! I remember... It's today. It's the day they decided to forget everything, cut all bonds and walking forward to a new beginning... Even though they don't like it very much. They just see it as a way to accomplish their purpose."
- Granny!! I'm going out...

- Errr... Oh! All right, but be back at lunch time.

"Poor grandma... She also misses them, but she keeps pretending not to."
- Hey, Den!! Want to come?
"You miss them to right? We all used to play together when we were children and after twelve years they decided to go without knowing how much they worry us... Those idiots! Thinking of them always ends up me washed in tears..."
- Oh?! Den, stop with that! Ah ah ah!!! OK, I won't cry, so stop licking my cheeks... That's it good boy! I know you don't want me to be sad, but still... It's difficult. Oh look! We're here.
"The ruins of their house are the only thing they left back... In order to leave the past behind them, they burn everything and kept going..."
- Ahhh, Den... I'm so helpless! Even while I'm pitying them and worrying, they're probably getting into a fight without thinking what will happen.
"All I do is cry, worry and wait for them. I can't help them like this... I'm only of any help when they return to say «Winry could you fix this for me?». Fix? His arm is always busted out... If I didn't know that they would come like that, I wouldn't wait like this..."
- ...
Wait! That's it!! While I wait for them I'm helping them... Errr. Den, why're you pulling me? Oops! I forgot the time... Thanks Den! Let's get going...
"I hadn't realized that yet... Even though they said they didn't want to come back, they keep coming when they need help... They head right to Grandma's house. They know that we'll be there hoping that one day they'll come to stay... They know that we won't give up waiting for them.
If that's the case... Then I won't cry anymore... I'll do my best to work on Ed's automail and take care of Al's armor, so that they can see that can rely on what has rest of their "family" and I'll be always here waiting for them."
- We'll be here, right Den? Granny, me and you waiting for those reckless idiots!
We'll be waiting for Edward and Alphonse!
"I'll be waiting Ed."

THE END

Lua Nova, 26 de Maio de 2009

I'm sick of this... Sick and tired of this life.
Every each day is embraced in the darkness that lies within me... The darkness that is deep inside my soul.
I've moved away everyone with the hatred, anger, sadness and pain that started consuming my spirit. I start hating everything around me, friends and family, and end up hating myself!
At school everybody gave up on me long ago... Even now, when I draw a little smile, they don't believe it... Some smile back, just for politeness, but I can see in their eyes that they despise me. They see in me nothing but a hollow shell - a person that threw away her feelings.
I really can't blame them... All my reactions when they asked if I was all right, or when they dared to help me, were condemnable. I know that but... If they were me... If they lived my life... If they knew what was going on, they would understand me!
At home is always this horrible feeling... Discussions every single day over the smallest things... That makes my will to answer them almost unbearable but I have to gather the strength to keep it inside me, in order to not instigate them... Or things would end up worse, as I've came to learn in all these years.
That anger I keep inside is what makes my hatred grow... And it's my fault to let that anger come out on the wrong person... But I can't handle this anymore! All of this has shattered my heart, so much that there isn't a single bit left over...
The only place where I can forget the present is here... My room. I'm surrounded by things that I bought or were offered in parties, when I still had friends and my family was united... They remember me times when I was happy...
However, the only similarity between my past and present is my hobby: stare out my window and watch people outside! As I live in the 6th floor, I have a wide panoramic view... I sit by the window, open it and the sounds, the wind, the sunlight, the moonlight and the rain... All comes in... Everything it's so clear in those moments, it's like all these things could purify the darkness that is inside me! Some people used to look at me, probably thinking "Is she crazy? How can she be with the window open while is raining this much?"
This place has always been the beginning of a "new" me... After the silent crying, that I hide behind the "brave girl" mask, I always closed myself in the room and then let the painful tears come out in the only place I felt safe. Then the rain would wash away my tears and made me try to live this life again.
But now I'm tired of these "second chances"! They always end up in the same way... The pain of loneliness becomes worse every time I try to start again... So that's it! This is my limit...
This time I won't sit by the window. I will stand up in front of it!
This time I won't open the window. I will break it!
This time I won't let anything come in. I will be the one who will step out!
The place where my life had always begun will be the place where it will finish...
This time I will be free... This time it will be the end!